Teen Titans: Comedy Club
by RobinRocks
Summary: What an optimistic title! A multichaptered parody of and including bad fanfiction, OCs, pairings, DeviantART, crossovers, AUs, Harry Potter, and, most importantly, OTHER Teen Titans fanfiction parodies!111!
1. The Godawful Truth

The God-awful Truth

"Oh no," said Raven over her book; it was Edgar Allan Poe or something. "Does anyone else get the morbid, chilling, terrible, awful, dreadful, appalling, horrendous, atrocious, abysmal, gloomy, morose, sinister and overall thoroughly boring – though hardly synonymously challenged – feeling that this is going to be another one of those stupid fan fictions that parodies every character and every characteristic and every overdone/badly done fanfic convention?"

"Gee, Raven, now that you mention it, I think you're right," Cyborg declared between fighting with Beast Boy over tofu for breakfast.

Then he said "Booyah", because… that's what Cyborg says. Apparently.

(He never said that in the _old_ comics, you know. _God_. _Idiots_!)

"Dude why'd you say that dude?" Beast Boy asked eating his tofu.

"Because, it's like, my catch phrase, or, something." Cyborg grinned. "Well, hey, look at that. I appear, to have stolen, all the commas, from your sentence, and put them in, mine. God, you're stupid."

"We _are_ doing well here, aren't we?" Raven said. "So far, BB has said "dude" twice, Cyborg has said "Booyah", insulted BB and fought with him over tofu – a mandatory opening to any _Teen Titans_ fan fic – while I have been shown to be reading a gloomy book while stating the obvious in a monotone voice and calling BB "BB", which is something I would never do. The fourth wall has been broken multiple times already, and frankly, I'm concerned that this may not be a parody of _Teen Titans_ fan fiction, but a _parody_ of parodies of _Teen Titans_ fan fiction. A _bad_ one."

"Oh, Hell," said Cyborg. "And it was going so well too. Booyah and such."

"No, Cyborg. It was never going well."

(There was no indication of who had spoken then. The reader assumed it was Raven; but then again, who knew?)

Then CYBORG said "Let's go out for waffles". It was obvious that Cyborg had spoken this time. "Or pizza."

(The reader assumed this was Cyborg also)

"Why?"

(No, can't help you…)

"Because that's what we do in _every_ fan fiction," said Cyborg. "It has HIDDEN MEANING."

"What, like it conveys the freelance, care-free and health-unconscious ways of teenagers today?"

"Naw, we're just a bunch of lazy slobs. Booyah. Oh yeah, and _three_!"

Raven rolled her eyes, tutted, hated everyone and everything and was generally gloomy, irritable and sarcastic for the rest of the chapter.

* * *

This kind of thing happens when you are forced to spend _eleven hours_ the previous day revising Virtue Ethics and other scary philosophy theories for your A Level RE exam.

And, I mean, _Layer Cake_, _Remember the Titans_ and _Small Print_ are so **serious**…

There are many more chapters to come (joy…), ripping the hell out of everything from OCs to _Harry Potter_, pairings to DeviantART…

Updates will be phenomenally quick.

PHENOMENALLY.


	2. Insert Self Here

Wow, positive response! Thanks a lot, guys!111!

Updates will probably be daily, and today: RIPPING THE HELL OUT OF THE "MARY SUE".

Overdone, but oh-so-fun...

Insert Self Here

One time the titans were out fighting a monster. It was a strong monster and titans couldn't beat it because it was like strong and stuff. It was stronger than them, even Starfire, who was an alien who could lift up a bus; and it was stronger than Raven, who saved the whole world from destruction.

It was really REALLY strong.

"Sorry, titans," said Robin. "We're utter failures as superheroes. We can't win, but let's keep on trying anyway. I appear to be suicidal anyway, so what the hell. TITANS GO and whatnot!"

"BOOYAH!" cried Cyborg as they all charged in again like mindless lunatics.

The monster beat them all away and pounded them into the ground and totally OWNED them because it was better than them. Like WAY better. Like infinity times infinity times infinity NO RETURN better than them.

SUDDENLY a girl appeared from nowhere. Well, the mind of a twelve year old fan girl, but "nowhere" sounded much better in writing.

She was like AMAZING; the most beautiful girl ever, but she was also really cool and mysterious. She had looooooooooooooong black hair that was… ankle length. And some of it was braided with beads of all the different colors of the rainbow, and some of it was tied up with one of those ninja bands, and some of it was across her face to make her look really cool and mysterious.

She wore thigh-high high-heeled boots with buckles all down them, and ten belts, because the more belts you have, the cooler you are, apparently. She wore a really short skirt that was sometimes purple, sometimes black, depending on what the author's favorite color was that day, and fishnets tights that had holes in them from where she had been fighting EPIC battles with her AMAZING powers. She wore a corset-style top because she was like goth and stuff, and fingerless gloves, and also a choker and five necklaces, three of which were keys to various portals and the unlocking of prophecies.

She also wore a long black coat that was leather, and carried a samurai sword even though she blatantly wasn't Japanese; and she had twelve piercings in each ear because she was hard and a rebel.

She had cat ears and a cat tail, and when she smiled the titans saw sharp teeth, which meant she was a vampire, because vampire OCs are cool and totally original. Her eyes were an intense, deep, mirror-like fusion of blue and black and purple, and they shone and glittered and glimmered like pools of dark intensity.

They were INTENSE.

"Now I will PWN you!!!!!1111!!" she shouted up at the monster, which had just stood there, as had the titans, while it took five minutes to describe the AMAZING girl.

Then she summoned her EPIC powers, and she rose into the air and glowed blue, and UNLEASHED her EPIC power on the monster.

It died.

"Wow, OMG, that was like AMAZING!!eleven!" said Robin.

"And EPIC!!" Beastboy agreed.

"Do you want to join the team?" asked Robin before Cyborg could say anything.

"Sure," said the girl, in a voice like liquid sweet silk-woven golden glorious milk honey… "You guys obviously need someone like ME on the team. Because you are teh suck."

TeEn TiTaNs Go! TeEn TiTaNs Go! TeEn TiTaNs Go! TeEn TiTaNs Go! TeEn TiTaNs Go! TeEn TiTaNs Go!

Raven glared at the new member of the teen titans.

It wasn't clear whether she was jealous of the new AMAZING girl, or was afraid of her, or truly hated her, or saw through her.

It was probably the first reason because the girl was like AMAZING.

She already had her own room and all three guys were in love with her and it was possible that Starfire was in love with her too and Starfire had already asked her all the same questions she had asked terra when she joined the team and the AMAZING girl answered them with the same answers terra gave and Starfire was happy and went to make some alien pudding for her new best friend to try.

terra's name wasn't capitalized because she wasn't important anymore.

"Will you please teach us to be as AMAZINGly kick-ass as you?" Beastboy begged.

"No, but I will bore you all with the back-story of who I am and what my powers are and what my destiny is. Make yourselves comfortable, because it lasts for like five chapters."

"YAYZ!" cried Cyborg. "BOOYAH!!ONE!!!"

"Hold it," Raven said darkly and mysteriously, appearing darkly and mysteriously in front of the equally dark and mysterious girl. "There's no need. I know who you are."

The AMAZING girl smirked.

"You're just jealous of me, but sure, shoot. Who am I?"

"You're Mary Sue," Raven declared with venom.

Robin gasped and said "Raven, how DARE you insult our newest most AMAZINGly kick ass member ever!"

But the girl raised her hand to him and he was quiet, which was OOC, but whatever. Who cares about Robin? He may have been around for 67 years and be a worldwide pop culture icon, but OBVIOUSLY my OC is way better and much more important…

"You're wrong," the girl said to Raven. "And soon _you_ won't be the most popular _Teen Titans_ character either. When Warner Brothers Animation reads the copy of this fan fiction that my twelve year old creator sent to their offices, in an envelop addressed in her own blood, which she drew from her finger with the tip of her own fountain pen, with which she painstakingly WROTE this masterpiece during study hall; and they see that not only is this fic is a work of GENIUS, but that _**I**_ am actually a clever and accurate, true-to-life caricature of herself, they will phone her up and offer her a billon squillion dollars to buy the rights to both me and this storyline so that they can revive _Teen Titans_ for a sixth season, of which _**I**_ will be the star… Yes, Raven… THEN we shall see! _**I**_ will be the most popular character, as voted on the DC Kids Online Poll!"

Raven glowered.

"We'll just see about that…"

THE GIRL LAUGHED CRAZILY AS RAVEN STORMED OFF.

"HEY, WHY ARE WE ALL SUDDENLY RENDERED IN CAPITALS?" CYBORG ASKED.

"DO NOT FEAR, UNDERLINGS!" THE GIRL SAID. "I SHALL DISPERSE THEM WITH MY epic POWERS!"

She did so.

"I am AMAZING," she said. "Capitals should be saved only for me."

"Well, we already stopped using capitals for "titans"," Cyborg said. "But that was just a typo. But sure, we'll surrender them to you."

From then on, none of the other titans had capitals AT ALL, except for when they said their newest member's AMAZING name.

"And now I shall finally tell you who I am," said the girl. "My name is NOT Mary Sue, actually. My names is Crystal Dark Night Shadow Jewel Flame Angel Rose Sapphire Moonlight Wolfe Raine Witch Cascade Willow Teardrop Opal Blood Death Sorrow Sky Starbucks McDonalds Pizza Hut Burger King Oreo Peanut Butter Disneyland Elvis…"

She paused for breath.

"and what is your second name?" starfire asked; it was the only thing she had said so far.

"**Smith**," Crystal Dark Night Shadow Jewel Flame Angel Rose Sapphire Moonlight Wolfe Raine Witch Cascade Willow Teardrop Opal Blood Death Sorrow Sky Starbucks McDonalds Pizza Hut Burger King Oreo Peanut Butter Disneyland Elvis said.

"and what are the basics of your powers, Crystal Dark Night Shadow Jewel Flame Angel Rose Sapphire Moonlight Wolfe Raine Witch Cascade Willow Teardrop Opal Blood Death Sorrow Sky Starbucks McDonalds Pizza Hut Burger King Oreo Peanut Butter Disneyland Elvis?" robin asked. "we need to know if you're going to become a member of the team."

"I AM a member of the team," Crystal Dark Night Shadow Jewel Flame Angel Rose Sapphire Moonlight Wolfe Raine Witch Cascade Willow Teardrop Opal Blood Death Sorrow Sky Starbucks McDonalds Pizza Hut Burger King Oreo Peanut Butter Disneyland Elvis said witheringly. "You IDIOT."

"Anyway," she went on, starting an entirely new paragraph without needing to, simply because she was so cool she was allowed to, "I'm a very dark and complex person. I'm a vampire and a werekitty, which makes sense in my creator's jacked-up mind. I can also fly, levitate things using telekinesis, perform all martial arts and gymnastics, shoot fire, ice and blades of crystal, turn invisible, shoot up forcefields, create ingenious technology, shape-shift, run really fast, stretch, duplicate myself, employ super-strength, give people bad luck, speak to animals, manipulate metal, send people insane, use analytical detective skills, shoot laser beams from my eyes and hands, go through walls and objects, read minds, borrow and manipulate other people's powers, shoot out retractable metal claws from my hands, speak and read every known language in the world, turn Super Saiyan, breathe underwater, breathe in space, control electricity and time-travel. I am also a manga artist, a Wicca, a vampire slayer, a Sailor Scout, a ninja, a Pokémon master, a spy for WHOOP, a Ghostbuster and a Jedi; and I can dance, sing, play every instrument ever created, and I have an endless wardrobe of clothes that my creator wishes she had. I look good in all of them, too. Oh, and I'm both indestructible and immortal."

"well, that's okay, Crystal Dark Night Shadow Jewel Flame Angel Rose Sapphire Moonlight Wolfe Raine Witch Cascade Willow Teardrop Opal Blood Death Sorrow Sky Starbucks McDonalds Pizza Hut Burger King Oreo Peanut Butter Disneyland Elvis," said cyborg. "i think you're gonna fit right in. hey, can I please have some capitals for my "booyah"?"

Crystal Dark Night Shadow Jewel Flame Angel Rose Sapphire Moonlight Wolfe Raine Witch Cascade Willow Teardrop Opal Blood Death Sorrow Sky Starbucks McDonalds Pizza Hut Burger King Oreo Peanut Butter Disneyland Elvis shook her head.

"No," she said. "And now, I will make out with each of the boys consecutively… no, to save time, I'll do you all at once. Then I'll do Starfire and Raven." She paused. "Then the T-Car. Then Robin again so I can steal his wallet while he's distracted. Perhaps I didn't mention that my parents died when I was born so I grew up in an orphanage and was forced to pick pockets to survive while training as a ninja…"

"no, you didn't, but yay! finally some action!" said beast boy.

then the teen titans were really happy, because they had a new team member who was like better than them, and she was so cool and awesome and AMAZING that they all loved her and they all live happily over after.

**THE END**

* * *

In the head offices of Warner Brothers Animation, the chief executives were sitting around smoking pot and having a jolly old time. 

"Hey, look what finally came in the mail today!" One said jovially, holding up two sheets of lined study hall paper stapled together. "The pitch from the _Teen Titans_ guys for a sixth season. They've called it _THE BEST SEASON EVAH!!!1111!_ by: Crystal Dark Night Shadow Jewel Flame Angel Rose Sapphire Moonlight Wolfe Raine Witch Cascade Willow Teardrop Opal Blood Death Sorrow Sky Starbucks McDonalds Pizza Hut Burger King Oreo Peanut Butter Disneyland Elvis **Smith**."

"About time," said another.

"Looks awful short," said a third, who was obviously from Texas. "Should we read it over?"

"Nah, just send 'em the check," said a fourth.

"Okay," said the first.

So he did.

* * *

"_Hell_," said RobinRocks, showing up a for a REAL Self Insert appearance. "I'm British. I don't even know what Study Hall _IS_…" 


	3. True Romance

Isn't it funny how you can work for hours on a single one-shot and get like 4 reviews, and then go on a total mindfuck-fest like THIS and people pounce on it...

Point about last chapter. I think a lot of humour comes from things you can relate to, and I think most of us can relate to being 12 years old and creatiing our own character that comes into the series of our choice and OWNS everyone and everything. I have done it myself, I freely admit. Vegeta from Dragonball Z? According to me, he had an identical twin brother... O.o

Heh, well, anyway, guys, thanks for the reviews. I'm glad everyone's enjoying it so far. I have several more piss-taking treats to come, but today is PAIRINGS!!!1111!

True Romance, a.k.a: Robin is a Whore

"I think I may have a problem," Robin said confidentially. "I was on fanfictionDOTnet (he said this because fanfictionDOTnet itself wouldn't allow the posting up of web addresses in their normal format...) the other day, and, well… frankly, I'm portrayed as a bit of a _slut_. I mean, I get paired with _everyone_. It was cool at first, because… well, it made me seem a bit of a ladies' man. But then I found these _other_ ones, with "slash" in the title, and now I'm very concerned. Because… well, it's not so much the _content_, it's…"

He looked around warily and dropped his voice lower still.

"_I think I'm being watched_."

The blonde boy adjusted his hat and stared at him perplexedly.

"That's very worrying," he agreed, "but this is McDonald's, and there's a queue behind you, sir."

"WATCHED, I TELL YOU!" Robin screeched hysterically as he dashed out of the restaurant.

—

"Oh, doctor—" The Boy Wonder began dramatically, stretching out like a dying swan on the couch.

"FOR THE LAST TIME, GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!"" The Mayor yelled.

—

Robin entered the Operations Center of Titans Tower to find Beast Boy making out with Raven on the couch and Cyborg making out with a toaster behind the kitchen counter.

"I'm being _watched_!" He announced loudly, standing in the middle of the room with his hands on his hips.

(He does do this in the show, BTW. Stand with his hands on his hips, I mean.)

Raven and Beast Boy broke apart for a moment to look at him.

"Robin," Raven said flatly, "we'll discuss this later. I have you and I down for two o' clock."

"And I have you down for two thirty," Beast Boy added, as Raven began to ravage him again.

"And I have you down for two thirty-five," Cyborg called.

"Yeah, well, you have to make it quick, Cy!" Robin snapped over his shoulder. "The toaster and I have an appointment for two forty. And I'm afraid I'm going to have to make you earlier tomorrow. My schedule's packed."

"Oh yeah?" Cyborg demanded, peering up over the counter. "Go on?"

Robin pulled a little black book out of his utility belt.

"Well, I had you down for eleven forty-five in the morning, but I had to reschedule with Slade because he bought something off eBay – some particle weapon or something – and it's a collect-only buy so he has to go and get that. So we're doing eleven forty now and I can't be back in time for you, so I was hoping to fit you in between Jinx and Kid Flash at around… ohh, say, ten fifty-five?"

Cyborg shook his head.

"Sorry man, no can do. I'm with Bumblebee all morning. I was only gonna come back here for fifteen minutes for us, and then go back."

Robin lowered his notebook.

"I think we need a team meeting," he said in a low, determined voice.

* * *

"Here's the thing," Robin said firmly while Starfire rubbed his shoulders. "I find myself pushed for time now since Starfire became my girlfriend. Obviously I'm obliged to spend more time with _her_, but that means I have to squeeze everyone else in to a shorter period of time, and it's getting hard. In fact, some people I can't fit in every day, so I'm maybe only scheduling them once or twice a week." 

He flipped his memo open to Thursday.

"Now tomorrow I have Starfire for an hour first thing in the morning, then I have Slade, Cyborg, Jinx, Kid Flash, Aqualad, Speedy, Mumbo, Blackfire, Mad Mod and Madame Rouge bringing me right up to midday. Then I have a lunchtime hour with Starfire, then I'm off to Gotham for Batman and Batgirl, then I'm back here for Raven, Beast Boy and Terra's statue, in between which Superman is flying over from Metropolis. Control Freak is out of town on a comic convention, which frees me up a slot, but Red X is a pain and often runs over his allotted time. Kid Wykkyd, the Brain, Billy Numerous, Bumblebee, the T-Car and my R-Cycle bring me up to the evening, where I have Star slotted in again from eight until nine. I'd stick in some more, but I figure I need to leave some room in between for crime-fighting, training and filing."

He looked up again and sighed heavily.

"Now Slade is causing a problem because I have to move him, but Cyborg can't change so… can anyone help me out here?"

Everyone else pulled out there own schedules.

"Tomorrow I got you, Raven, Terra's statue, Star, Cy, and Raven some more," Beast Boy said.

"I have you, Beast Boy, Starfire, Cyborg, that Goth boy, Red X, Slade and Malchior," Raven announced.

"I got you, Bumblebee, Jinx, Sarah Simms, Star, BB, Ray, the T-Car and various electronic appliances," Cyborg declared.

"I have you, Red X, Cyborg, Beast Boy, Raven, my sister, Raven, Silkie and Glrdlesklechhh," Starfire finished.

"I HAVE EVERYONE BECOZ I AM TEH SEX!!!1111!" Declared Crystal Dark Night Shadow Jewel Flame Angel Rose Sapphire Moonlight Wolfe Raine Witch Cascade Willow Teardrop Opal Blood Death Sorrow Sky Starbucks McDonalds Pizza Hut Burger King Oreo Peanut Butter Disneyland Elvis.

"Oh, hit the road!" Robin snapped. "We officially threw you out as soon as the last chapter ended. AND took our capitals back!"

"BOOYAH!" Cyborg said, with reason.

Realizing that she was forever destined to be alone and unloved in this cruel world that could never understand her or her incredible powers, the disheartened Sue crept away, bitter tears leaking from her perfect eyes and down her perfect face. She stepped out into the setting sun, and her steps took her far across the horizon, vowing bitter revenge on those who had turned their backs on her—

"ANYWAY," Robin said, "looks like we all have tight schedules. Cy, I guess I can't fit you in tomorrow. But…" He looked up at the clock on the kitchen wall. "I have ten minutes now until Raven at two o' clock. You could have double today instead."

Cyborg stood up.

"To the mop closet!"

—

"Raven," Robin said, looking deep into her endless violet eyes, "I feel that I must tell you that, despite that fact that I'm with Starfire (_andeveryotherpersononthisshow_), you and I are clearly Soul Mates. We _understand_ each other. We have a _bond_. We both wear _capes_. We both have _creepy fathers_. We both haves mass followings of fans. Together, we are the most popular _Teen Titans_ characters! The world is ours!"

"I agree," said Raven, her voice full of feeling and passion. "And Robin, I am not supposed to feel love, or lust, or… well, _anything_… But I cannot deny my feelings for you (_orBeastBoy_)! You have unlocked within me such emotion that, if this wasn't fan fiction, would surely have destroyed half the city by now!"

"It's because I am so amazingly sexy and manly!"

"Yes!" Raven cried. "But also, you have a softer side, shown by the fact that, in slash pairings, you are usually the UKE!"

"I have an idea!" Robin said, his voice and mind and soul and various other parts of him filled with need and desire for the dark-goddess-demoness-witch-type-thing. "Despite the foolishness and brashness of such an act, and despite the fact that I promised my virginity to Starfire, my one true love, and despite the fact that neither of us have any form of contraception, let's make love!"

"Oh, yes!" Raven agreed breathlessly. "That's an _excellent_ idea!"

They threw off their clothes in a passionate kind of way and went at it like rabbits.

When they were done, Raven looked at him over her shoulder.

"You weren't a _virgin_!" She accused.

Robin rolled his eyes.

"Well, _duh_! I was created 67 years ago to be the companion of a man deranged enough to dress up as a bat! Of _course_ I wasn't a virgin."

He looked at the clock.

"Anyway, time's up."

—

"Robin," Starfire announced haughtily, "I have decided that I am too good for you."

"What?" Robin was nonplussed.

"Yes," Starfire went on, tossing her head so that her lustrous main of red hair fanned like a flaming halo around her head and shoulders. "Is it not obvious to you? I am the crowned princess of Tamaran. We are a race of proud warriors, within the veins of whom flows strength and courage in raw abundance. We loathe outsiders and think them inferior to us, which is why, truthfully, both the Gordanians and race of people Val-Yor belonged to hate us so. Honestly, Robin, I am unsure as to what it was that I ever saw I you. You are nothing but a low, poor-bred, insignificant human, and your hair is dark, which signifies imperfection, and your skin is pale, which signifies cowardice. You are much too skinny, you are shorter than me, I loathe your American accent and you wear silly colors which do not suit you at all."

She glared at him.

"Now ask yourself how you could ever be compared to and deserve _I_, Starfire of Tamaran, whose hair is long and silky and shiny and aflame with the very fire of my warrior's soul, and whose skin glows gold with all the radiance of the Sun itself, so that I appear more attractive than any of the women on the fake sun tan adverts on the television, and whose eyes are perfect orbs of the purest jade and emerald, fused and melded together as though by a jeweler of utmost skill, and whose very power blazes with all the righteous fury that _you_ could never hope to muster, and which strikes with a sizzling, satisfactory intensity, the glory of which _you_ will never know, and whose body takes flight by the thought of joyous things so that I may soar like a wild chariot through the clouds, and whose—"

"I was invented forty years before you, so shut up and kiss me, biatch," Robin interrupted.

"Okay," said Starfire.

—

"Raven, do you love Robin more than me?" Beast Boy asked.

"No," said Raven. "He and I have much in common, and I have nothing in common at all with _you_, and inside, I think I kind of hate you, really; but this is an extremely popular pairing, so I guess we gotta _stick wit it_."

"Oh. Good." Beast Boy grinned. "That's okay then. Love triangles scare me."

* * *

"Well, I've really never seen anything like it," the physicist said, scratching his head in a perplexed fashion. "I really haven't." 

He looked at the five Teen Titans sitting in a row on the couch of his practice surgery, then looked at the five little sticks in his hand.

"You're **ALL** pregnant!"

All three boys opened their mouths to protest—

"Now, now, this is _fan fiction_," said RobinRocks, showing up for another Self Insert cameo. "Don't start with me about the biological impossibilities of mpreg! I CONTROL YOU ALL!!!11one hundred and eleven1!!ZOMGsmileyface!1"

"BOLLOCKS!" Yelled Cyborg, taking full advantage of his capitals.

"Ugh, that was SO British…" groaned Narroch, who was dragged unwillingly into all of this and kept there by the _small print_.

"Shameless," observed Quinn and His Quill, shaking his head.

Mwa ha ha ha ha ha.

The physicist, who was actually a _physician_ – along with the Mayor, who was there for some reason – banged his head repeatedly against the wall.

* * *

"Okay, since we're into the last segment of this bizarre chapter," Dr Leslie Tompkins from _Batman_ said wearily, "let's get through this quickly." 

Robin nodded.

"You're eight months pregnant, as it the _rest_ of your team, and you think you're being watched."

Robin nodded again.

"Stop nodding and answer me!" Tompkins snapped.

"That's right," Robin said. "We're also out of ice cream. We get through a lot of that now…"

"Indeed."

She eyed his swollen abdomen warily; then threw her arms up in the air.

"Really, I don't know why this even _surprises_ me!" She declared, catching them again.

(_What_? O.o)

"The mpreg?" Robin asked. "I'm calling it Chad, by the way."

"Oh, you know the gender?"

"Yeah. It's a girl."

"Right." She ignored him. "No, _none_ of this surprises me. You think you're being watched because all these fan fictions keep appearing on fanfictionDOTnet focusing on all the "pairings" that you and your team-mates rotate around in real life."

"Yep."

"And you're also pregnant."

"That sounds about right, yeah."

"Do you know who the, uh… _father_ is?"

He smiled blissfully.

"Haven't got a clue. None of us have."

"Ah, well, yes. This only lends to my theory, then. And frankly, I'm surprised the National Comics Code in 1940 didn't catch onto this immediately, the very moment you were declared _The Sensational Character Find of 1940 _wearing those little shorts, which you _continued_ to wear right up until 1984… Frankly, I think Wertham was onto something…"

Robin the Boy Wonder blinked confusedly.

"And this theory of yours is…?"

She looked at him incredulously, then pointed with her pen at his stomach and said;

"Robin, you're a _whore_."


	4. And Then There Was Raven

Wow. This is getting insanely crazily popular... O.o

Not that I'm _complaining_, but... I didn't expect people to jump on it like they have.

Thankyou all sooooooooooooooooooo much for the reviews, guys. I really appreciate it!

People have mentioned hopes for things like AUS and stuff; all to come, I promise!

And **Graysongirl** mentioned a Raven parody, which is ironic, because...

And Then There Was Raven

"Oh, WOE!" Declared Raven. "Will my torment never end? Not only am I perceived as goth, emo, suicidal, misunderstood, lonely, socially inept, shy, jealous of Starfire and overall in need of a good shag, I am also quite possibly the most abused character in fan fiction evah!"

She paused for a moment.

"Well, outside of the _Harry Potter_, _Naruto_, _Dragonball Z_, _Fullmetal Alchemist_, _Lord of the Rings_, _Star Wars_ and _Pirates of the Caribbean_ sections," she relented.

—

Incidentally, when a contest was held to find out which character _was_ the most abused in fan fiction evah, Raven _almost_ won; but Sasuke got the overall prize, since he was more emo than her.

* * *

Raven became very tired of the thousands of fan girls who called themselves "ravengoth67" or "ravenchild456" or "ravenfire645" or "raexbb/robin4evah3456" or "ravenfan/luvver987"; and who scrawled all over their profiles that they were "like, her biggest fan and a total clone of her! Like seriously, I could be her twin sister! We are soooooooooo alike!!!111!"; and who inundated their DeviantART pages with Photoshopped pencil drawings (done in study hall) of her half-naked, destroying the world or in various cuddling positions with Robin or Beast Boy or Starfire (sometimes all of the above in one go…). 

She brought about a second apocalypse to rid the Earth of their presence.

_You_ go look on DeviantART and tell me if it worked…

* * *

Sometimes Raven (apparently) wrote poetry: 

_I look in the mirror,_

_I see my reflection;_

_I was born to destroy the world._

_This scares me,_

_Because I love my friends_

_And I don't want to destroy the world_

_Because it is full of beauty_

_And good books._

_My friends know nothing of what I am;_

_And although they would help me_

_If only they could,_

_They cannot_

_Because my power is a great and terrible one._

_I hate myself._

* * *

Or, sometimes, she wrote diary entries (apparently): 

_Dear Diary,_

_Since I cannot confess my feelings in life because of what I am and what my terrible destiny is, I keep this diary so I can feel that __**someone**__ cares about me. Today I read another gothic book while Beast Boy and Cyborg argued about tofu waffles. It was good. The book, I mean._

_I think I love Beast Boy, but I don't know why, because he pisses the hell out of me._

_I also think that David Hasselhoff is hot._

_Raven_

* * *

"Sorry," Raven said to the younger girl. "I don't have a sister."

* * *

"No, this is ridiculous," Raven said scathingly, looking down at the pristine wedding gown she was dressed in; she looked up at Beast Boy, who was dressed in a suit because he was the groom. 

Robin was Best Man and Starfire was bridesmaid and Cyborg wasn't in it because the author of this stupid "What if?" fic didn't like him.

Starfire, dressed in a purple satin bridesmaid's dress decorated with tiny jewels and purple lace and ribbon and a gazillion other bits and bobs, held the twins that Raven had recently given birth to.

They had names that were significant to the author but not to anyone else.

"NO," Raven said again, ripping off her veil. "I'm sorry. I really am."

She began to walk out of the church.

"Raven, please don't be afraid of this commitment!" Beast Boy called pleadingly after her.

"Afraid?" Raven laughed hysterically. "Beast Boy, I'm sorry, but for the sanity of the readers, I have to walk out of here. There's just no way in _Hell_ this would _ever_ happen!"

* * *

"I know that Malchior hurt you," the stranger said, "but I promise, I will be good for you. I am from Azarath, like you, and I know what you are. I love you despite of it." 

"I don't know, Crow Shadow Wolf Bane Draco Eternity Blade Constantine," Raven whispered, looking into the handsome young man's dark eyes. "We've had trouble with OCs before…"

"I am not a self insert, I swear to you," Crow Shadow Wolf Bane Draco Eternity Blade Constantine promised.

("I am!" Said RobinRocks. "And I _still_ don't know what study hall is!")

"And I come with a self-destruct mechanism!" He went on.

"Sold!" Raven cried, and threw herself into his waiting arms.

—

"Wow, that was amazing," Raven panted. "Your skillz at love-making are remarkably OC-ish, yet how can I complain?"

"You were wonderful, Raven," Crow Shadow Wolf Bane Draco Eternity Blade Constantine assured her. "And your powers didn't spark out of control that time. What's up?"

"I think… I love you," Raven said quietly.

Crow Shadow Wolf Bane Draco Eternity Blade Constantine suddenly gasped out in pain and doubled over, clutching his chest.

"Crow Shadow Wolf Bane Draco Eternity Blade Constantine!" Raven cried out in anguish. "What's wrong?"

"Those… _words_!" He gasped out. "They initiate the… self-destruct mechanism… within me!"

"_I love you_?" Raven repeated in horror. "But Crow Shadow Wolf Bane Draco Eternity Blade Constantine, those words are important to any romance fic involving me! Starfire is more the lust side of things, but _true love_ is the only way to win _me_ around. And what we just said is an important factor in any romance fic involving me and an OC. Eventually you get me to trust you, we do the nasty, and then _you_ say "Hey, your powers didn't spark out of control that time. What's up?", and then _I_ say "I think… I love you", and then—"

Crow Shadow Wolf Bane Draco Eternity Blade Constantine screamed in agony and despair and burst into flames, leaving behind nothing but ash.

"_Bugger_," said Raven.

* * *

"AND CONTRARY TO POPULAR DEVIANTART BELIEF," Raven said loudly, whipping open her towel to reveal the hot pink halter-neck bikini she was wearing beneath it, "I DO **NOT** WEAR A DEMURE BLACK ONE-PIECE SWIMSUIT AT THE BEACH, THEN PROCEED TO HIDE BENEATH THE SUN UMBRELLA ALL DAY!" 


	5. Teen Titans: The Opera

Mwa ha ha, there's no relenting...!

Teen Titans: The Opera

Since Season Six had been cancelled, it was apparent that there was not ever going to be a musical episode of _Teen Titans_, which would have been very nice indeed.

It didn't seem fair, because there were musical episodes of _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_, _Xena: Warrior Princess_, _The Muppets_, _Two Guys and a Girl_, _The Simpsons_, _Family Guy_, _Fairly Odd Parents_, _Dexter's Laboratory_ and even _Evil Con Carne_, the since-dropped "other" cartoon that had once made up _Grim and Evil_ on Cartoon Network.

Instead, the fans had to make do with various Puffy AmiYumi songs (well, one, in _Mad Mod_) peppered throughout the show; and the wonderful but one-off showtune _Master of Your Fate_, sung by Mumbo in _Bunny Raven_.

Various authors on thought that it would be cool to do song-fics. RobinRocks thought that was a good idea once too, until her two song-fics got deleted.

"Curses!" She seethed.

But some authors decided to go a step _further_.

Some authors decided to write their own _Teen Titans: The Musical_.

Which seems fair enough until you hit the wall of… "Hang on, it's a _written_ story. How can _that_ be a _musical_? There's no _MUSIC_!"

…Good question, isn't it?

* * *

The Titans all "sang" some random songs which the author thought "like totally fits this character because once I heard it when I was watching this episode of _Teen Titans_ and Beast Boy was on the screen when I was listening to it!!111!".

The lyrics couldn't be reproduced here due to APPARENT COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT, but the format looked something like this:

(Love duet between Robin and Starfire: _Breaking Free_ from _High School Musical_)

**ROBIN:** (_Lyrics licensed by and property of Disney Corporation, and may not be reproduced without permission and whatnot because we will get our lawyers to PWN your ass if you do!)_

**STARFIRE:** (_No, they really will!_)

**ROBIN AND STARFIRE:** (_Don't you believe us?_)

**ROBIN: **(_Okay, Roy-Walt's-nephew…)_

**STARFIRE: **(_…Guess we'll have to stick Mickey Mouse's head in their bed…)_

The author did several chapters of this and got a few reviews saying "OMG its amazing pls update soon!!1!"; and a few con-crits saying "Uh, I don't mean to be rude, but this is stupid. It's not really a fanfic, you're just writing out lyrics and replacing Troy and Gabriella with Robin and Starfire/Sandy and Danny with Raven and Beast Boy"; and a few flames telling them to go play in traffic.

Rude and unkind as the flamers were, they might have had a point…

The moral of the story was that MUSICals don't work without MUSIC.

The End

* * *

Back at the ranch, RobinRocks was still very angry about her poor deleted song fics… 


	6. The Life and Times of Batman and Robin

Wow, 60 reviews! Thanks, everyone. :D You know, considering this is pretty much just… a bunch of random garbage.

Today's chapter is no exception, of course; it's even completely off-topic:

The Life and Times of Batman and Robin

"Master Bruce," said Alfred in an overt stereotypical British accent, "there's a phone call from Commissioner Gordon on the Bat-phone."

Batman nodded and picked up the Bat-phone – which was actually just a regular black phone, but he liked to call it the Bat-phone because it made him feel cool.

Because he was, like, Bruce from the Block, or something.

"Jim?" He said.

"Batman, we've just gotten word from the Joker," Gordon said desperately. "He's got Robin, says he going to kill him if you we don't pay up twenty million—"

"I know," Batman interrupted.

And he put down the phone and went back to the Bat-computer, where he was playing Pacman.

"Master Bruce, I trust you have already formulated a plan," Alfred said, "by which you shall rescue young Master Dick and refuse the Joker that extortionate amount of money and defeat him and send him to jail and save all of Gotham."

"Nah," said Batman. "I'm sick of that kid getting kidnapped. This is the tenth time this week."

He leaned over the back of his chair, looking directly at the stunned Alfred.

"Frankly, I say fuck him."

* * *

You know, because they did get to a point with both the 60s _Batman_ TV show and _Batman: The Animated Series_ where he got kidnapped **Every. Freaking. Episode…**


	7. DeviantART

Heh, the review count is plummeting; as is the standard, to be honest...

Well, I have mucho more RE revision to do for tomorrow's exam (let's not forget that is what started the ball rolling here...), so without further delay:

DeviantART

Once upon a time, in a far off land, something strange and new was born to a mother of vast imagination and a father of unlimited web space.

It was christened "DeviantART"; and three good fairies came to bestow upon it three gifts.

The gifts they gave were called Slash, Hentai and Oekaki.

An evil witch, who was angry not to have been invited to the celebrations (and who had already destroyed fanfictionDOTnet), cast a wicked spell, intending to crash and destroy DeviantART.

On second thought, maybe she was actually doing everyone a favor…

Anyway, the fairies could not lift the spell entirely, instead changing it so that instead DeviantART often froze, timed-out, was down for so-called "System Maintenance", and frequently flashed up "FORBIDDEN" across the screen alongside a picture of some kind of weird-looking animal.

However, the witch sent in her minions to corrupt and rot DeviantART from the inside out. Soon, the site was inundated with Inflation, furries, random pictures of pets and friends taken on camera phones, obscure colored squiggles done on Paint, "recolors" of popular characters to create the look for OCs from various fan fictions, and emo "MySpace-style" shots.

The wicked witch, who was called neither Maleficent nor Elphaba, cackled and rubbed her hand together gleefully.

Her work was done.

* * *

"FEAR US, MORTALS!" One of the terrible creatures shrieked from where it stood on top of a bakery van. "BOW DOWN BEFORE US AND SERVE OUR NEEDS!" 

"OR WE SHALL DESTROY YOU ALL!" Roared another.

"WE HAVE COME HERE FROM THE REALM OF DEVIANTART!" Bellowed a third. "HERE, TO THE REALM OF FANFICTIONdotNET, WHERE WE ORIGINALLY CAME FROM, BUT WERE SENT AWAY TO DESTROY DEVIANTART. NOW THAT WE HAVE DONE THIS, WE ARE BACK TO WREAK HAVOC AND TERROR HERE ONCE AGAIN!"

The people of Jump City looked briefly at them before going about their business, milling this way and that on the busy city street.

"IGNORE US, WILL YOU?!" Shouted a fourth. "HA, VERY WELL THEN! YOU SHALL ALL BE DESTROYED!!!11!"

"Naw, it's going down _wit us_ first!" Cyborg declared boldly, as the Teen Titans showed up with their usual spot-on timing.

"This ends NOW!" Robin said, because he always said that; mostly to affirm his position as leader, and as the person the villain was going to have to answer to ultimately, being more widely recognized than the other four; and also having had a brand of bread named after him in the 60s during the "Batmania" hype.

"Dude!" Said Beast Boy, because he didn't want to be left out.

"Be careful," said Raven warily, "I've heard of these guys. They corrupted DeviantART, and before that, they turned fanfictionDOTnet into what it is today."

"A festering _varblernelk_ pool of OCs and self-inserts, ridiculous romance/pregnancy fics, pointless fluff one-shots, terrible spelling, painful OOC-ness, obscure slash pairings, bad fan fiction, parodies of bad fan fiction and parodies of parodies of bad fan fiction?" Starfire rattled off.

"AHA, SO YOU KNOW OUR WAYS!" The first of the creatures laughed. "THEN YOU SHOULD BE RESIGNED TO YOUR FATES!"

"I don't understand," Beast Boy said. "FanfictionDOTnet and DeviantART are two different mediums. How can these guys have destroyed both?"

"HA, WE CAN MULTI-TASK!" Another monster called down. "BEHOLD, I AM **SLASH**! I STARTED OUT AS A GIFT TO PROMOTE EQUAL OPPORTUNITY BETWEEN SEXUAL ORIENTATIONS, BUT THEN I BECAME OUT OF CONTROL AND ABUSED! INCESTUAL PAIRINGS (such as Starfire and her sister, Inu Yasha and his brother, or Sasuke and his) AND MPREG ARE MY LOVE CHILDREN!"

"AND I AM **BIZARRE FETISHES**!" The first said loudly. "INFLATION AND FURRIES ARE WHAT IS HAPPENIN'. EVEN **I** DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE LIKE TO SEE ANIME FEMALES BLOWN UP LIKE BALLOONS, OR HUMANOID ANIMALS GETTING IT ON, BUT IT IS MY DUTY TO CORRUPT PEOPLE INTO DOING SO!"

"AND I AM **SUPER EGO**!" Said the third creature. "I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR SELF INSERTS, OCS BASED ON THE AUTHOR THEMSELVES, DeviantIDs, MYSPACE SHOTS, SNAPS OF PEOPLE'S "ADORABLE" PETS, AND ALSO RANDOM VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE FEATURING PEOPLE MIMING ALONG TO POPULAR DISNEY SONGS. IT IS I WHO MAKES PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT THE REST OF THE WORLD SHOULD BOW DOWN TO THEIR SELF-AWARDED 'GREATNESS'!"

"THERE ARE MANY MORE OF US, BUT THIS GETTING BORING NOW!!!111!!" Chorused the rest.

The Titans all laughed for five minutes.

"We're immune to your terrible powers!" Robin told them. "Our section has already been ravaged by most of the things you've mentioned!"

"SLASH, DEAL WITH HIM!" **SUPER EGO** cawed. "I AM FAR TOO SUPERIOR TO GET MY OWN HANDS DIRTY!"

**SLASH **did so, because he was an UKE.

But his powers did nothing, and Robin laughed some more.

"Oh, come on!" He said dismissively. "Like that's going to work on _me_! I spent 44 years of comic book history wearing shorts and pixie boots!"

"They all say Spock and Kirk were the first," Beast Boy put in helpfully, "but Batman and Robin were around for twenty-odd years before _them_!"

"THEN I SHALL DEAL WITH YOUR FRIENDS!" **BIZARRE FETISHES** cried, blasting the other four Titans with his powers.

At once Starfire and Raven became vastly inflated, and Cyborg turned and professed his undying love to Beast Boy, who was… furry…

"Noooooooooooo!!!eleven!11!" Robin cried in despair.

"AND NOW WE SENTENCE _YOU_ TO AN ETERNITY OF ROBINXSLADE SEMI-PORNOGRAPHIC DOUJINSHIS!" Bellowed **SLASH**.

"Nooooooooo— oh, _okay_…" Robin relented with a sigh.

"Hold it!" Shouted another voice.

Suddenly another team of Teen Titans appeared. It was the 80s _New Teen Titans_ team, featuring their original versions, plus Wonder Girl, who was eternally hot but nonetheless omitted from the modern animated series.

"We always knew that giving us a _Pokémon_-meets_-Sailor-Moon_ look and putting us on prime time TV was going to cause this kind of trouble," said Nightwing. His outfit was kind of dorky, but then again, it was the 1980s…

"But we were around before the internet was invented," added Wonder Girl, "and so we are unaffected by your diabolical powers! By Hera!"

"And now I will _destroy_ you, because I am a warlike alien!" Starfire screamed murderously.

Looked like the inflation had gotten to her as well. Oh, no, wait…

Raven, who was weird-looking, had black hair, and didn't say "Azarath Metrion Zinthos", teleported herself to the left by a few feet, but didn't do anything else, because… she couldn't really, apart from heal.

"I'm such a _monster_!" Cyborg wailed.

"And I'm a bitch," said Terra. "I also slept with Slade in this version."

"I tell jokes to hide my pain," said Beast Boy. No, wait. _Changeling_.

Jericho didn't say anything because he couldn't speak.

"Titans, together!" Said Nightwing. He didn't say "Titans, go!" because that catchphrase wasn't invented yet.

Together, the _New Teen Titans _made the evil destroyers of fandom go away. They couldn't destroy them, because… well, because they were just always going to be there.

It was a fact of life.

Or something.

* * *

"It is alright, my minions," said the wicked queen, when they returned to report that they had been defeated. "There was nothing else you really could have done to that section anyway… A shame they cancelled the sixth season, though." 

"IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE WE CAN DO FOR YOU?" Asked **SLASH.**

"Oh, yes." The queen grinned. "We have yet to conquer LiveJournal…"


	8. Harry Potter

Eh, nasty exams... Almost five hour's worth today... rawr...

So you get this:

Harry Potter

"Jeepers," said Beast Boy, picking up _Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone._

"No, Beast Boy," Raven said, taking the book away. "That's not for you. Here, have this one."

She passed him _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone_.

"What's the difference?" Beast Boy asked.

Raven shrugged.

"The original British version sounds cleverer, so you have to have the American one instead. But they're identical, except for the name of the stone. For the record, due to the worldwide hype of these books, I don't think "philosopher" was ever going to put Americans off reading it. I mean, if the _writing_ didn't, nothing will."

Beast Boy read _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, _in which Harry saved the day.

Then he read _Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets_ (which didn't differ from the British version at all), in which Harry saved the day.

Then _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban_, in which Harry saved the day.

Then _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_, in which… Harry saved the day.

Then _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_… in which… Harry saved…

And then _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince_…

IN WHICH HARRY SAVED THE FREAKING DAY.

Or something.

"Bloody hell," said Beast Boy, his brain swamped with Ron Weasley-type speak. "I'm glad _we're_ not this predictable…"


	9. Don't Cross the Streams

Um, I think this is better than the _Harry Potter_ one. It has _Ghostbusters_ in it, to begin with...

Don't Cross the Streams

"I said DON'T cross the streams!" Shouted Egon from _Ghostbusters_ angrily, as Peter (played by Bill Murray) and Ray (played by Dan Aykroyd) did it anyway.

"Whoops," said Peter (played by Bill Murray) in a deadpan, sarcastic, satirical, monotone, poker-faced, expressionless, sardonic, cynical, acerbic, mordant, bored tone. "Well, as long as this doesn't involve a giant marshmallow man, I think we'll be okay."

"No, Peter," said Ray (played by Dan Aykroyd). "This could be conceivably worse. Last time, crossing the streams both blew a hole in the roof of a five-star hotel, and saved all of New York City from the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. This time…"

Ray (played by Dan Aykroyd) peered at the large glimmering portal that crossing-of-the-streams had created.

"…It's a Chronic Cross-over Crisis Generation Portal, known scientifically as a _fuckus upus_," Egon from _Ghostbusters_ finished, pushing up his glasses so that he appeared clever. "This is very bad, fellas. Even worse than the time we ran out of _Hostess Twinkies©_."

"We don't like to talk about that…" said Peter (played by Bill Murray) darkly.

"If my calculations are correct," went on Egon from _Ghostbusters_, "the cross-over energy this portal is generating is enough to suck all in the matter from the surrounding fictional universes within a radius of 7.6756453655767867443645566767 and a half square animation cel miles and throw it all together in a horrifying hybrid of superior US animated shows and cheap-ass ones from Poland."

"Wait, I'm confused," said Ray (played by Dan Aykroyd). "Are we the real Ghostbusters… or _The Real Ghostbusters_?"

"He means are we animated, or do we actually _have_ something underneath these terrible overalls," Peter (played by Bill Murray) translated.

"The absence of Slimer and Winston would suggest we are the real thing; also note the parenthesized note on the actor you are played by after each of your names. We're the real thing, and while I could stand here and rage about why I simply get "from _Ghostbusters_" instead of "played by Harold Ramis", we have more important things to attend to."

"Right," agreed Peter (played by Bill Murray) in a deadpan, sarcastic, satirical, monotone, poker-faced, expressionless, sardonic, cynical, acerbic, mordant, bored tone.

But Ray (played by Dan Aykroyd) threw down his protoplasmic blaster gun thingy and stomped away.

"I'm going back to _Saturday Night Live_," he declared.

He had no sooner said it than the entirety of time, space and reality collapsed.

* * *

Beast Boy walked along the corridor of Titans Tower. 

_The_ corridor, you understand. There was no indication of which corridor was actually meant, but the author didn't think of that, so it was simply "the" corridor.

Suddenly Raven appeared.

"Hi, Raven," said Beast Boy. "Wanna make out?"

"No," said Raven. "You make me sick. Besides, this is not the time to thinking about that."

"Why not?" Beast Boy pouted.

"Have you seen the front room?" Raven asked.

And then, without waiting for him to reply, she used her telekinesis to push open the door to the Operations Center.

It was chock-a-block with like a million billion jillion squillion gazillion zillion cool characters, whereupon the author had just thought of every character they had ever liked from every single thing EVAH and stuck them in under the guise of a "cross-over".

More like it was a cesspool.

"More like it's a cesspool," said Raven to no-one in particular, in a deadpan, sarcastic, satirical, monotone, poker-faced, expressionless, sardonic, cynical, acerbic, mordant, bored tone.

"What's going on?" Robin asked.

"Um, I think…" Raven trailed off, looking at him scathingly.

It was Robin, but not _their_ Robin.

"I wasn't talking to you, Loren Lester-voiced _Batman: The Animated_ _Series_ version of Robin," she told him haughtily. He shrugged and skulked off.

Raven looked around, clocking various versions of the 67 year old first-ever-sidekick character before she finally found the one she was looking for.

"I thought _you_ were the most modern," she said in surprise.

"Not anymore," 2003-2006 _Teen Titans_ animated Robin said ruefully. He thumbed in the direction of a crisp, newer still animated Robin; he looked very much like the _Teen Titans_ version, but younger.

"Ever since they added Robin to _The Batman_," 2003-2006 _Teen Titans_ animated Robin said regretfully, "I'm not the shiny up-to-date version anymore."

"Hey, what are all these people doing cluttering up my tower?!" Cyborg demanded, booting Alvin and the Chipmunks and the Powerpuff Girls out of his way.

"I do not know," Starfire replied blissfully, scratching Inu Yasha's ears, "but please may they stay?"

"First, we need to find out who they all are, and how they got here," 2003-2006 _Teen Titans_ animated Robin said. He turned to the kick-butt red-head next to him. "And you are…?"

"Kim Possible," she announced. "Call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me."

"Riiiiiight, yeah… I don't think we'll be doing that," 2003-2006 _Teen Titans_ animated Robin told her. "We kinda sort out our problems. Who's your friend?"

"Shego," the tall, ebony-haired, green-skinned beauty next to Kim told him. "I'm not her friend, and I'm not your friend, and one day, you will all bow to me."

"Uh-huh. You guys know how you got here?" Raven asked.

"No." Shego stalked away. Kim scowled and hurried after her.

"I like her," Raven said drolly.

"She is like my sister, Bitchfire," Starfire observed.

"You mean Blackfire."

"Yes, her."

"Look, they can't stay here, yo," Cyborg declared.

"He's right," 2003-2006 _Teen Titans_ animated Robin agreed firmly. "Split up and find out who they all are so we can send them back to where they came from."

"Aww, can't they all just stay and join the team?" Beast Boy asked pleadingly, eyeing up Sailor Moon as she walked past. "That's what _usually_ happens in cross-over fics…"

"Yes, but immature, implausible and ridiculous as those are, they don't usually include up to and excess of… well, _this_ many characters," Raven replied.

"Titans, go," said 2003-2006 _Teen Titans_ animated Robin.

* * *

"So is the shortness of the skirt part of your actual moon powers or what?" Beast Boy asked. 

"Pervert," said Sailor Moon.

—

"Oh, how fascinating!" Starfire trilled happily, clapping her hands together. "So when I pour cold water on you, you become a girl…"

She did so, and squealed gleefully when the dark-haired boy before her became a busty red-haired female version of himself.

"Now look—" Ranma started angrily.

"And hot water… transforms you back into a boy!" Starfire cried, interrupting "her".

Proceeding to scald the half-boy, half-girl.

Akane laughed.

—

"Ah ha hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" Cyborg laughed maniacally, dancing around Ed and Al Elric. "I've got better prosthetics than youuuuuuuuuu!!11!"

—

"YOU ARE NOT MORE EMO THAN ME!!!111!!" Raven screeched, throwing a bookshelf at Sasuke.

—

"So is the tightness of your uniforms a part of your spy prowess?" Beast Boy asked.

"Pervert," said Sam, Alex and Clover.

—

"No, I don't agree," said 2003-2006 _Teen Titans_ animated Robin hotly. "I'm afraid Slade is a more powerful and pesky arch-nemesis than Voldemort."

"How dare you?!11!" Raged Harry. "Voldemort PWNS Slade!1!1!!"

—

"I am sorry, I do not know what this "yellow brick road" to which you are referring is," Starfire told Dorothy regretfully.

—

"We have free cable," said Cyborg. "You?"

"I have a jar of dirt!" Declared Captain Jack Sparrow.

—

"You know, I've always suspected that Beast Boy is a vampire," Raven said sincerely.

Buffy gripped her stake.

—

"So do those shorts like help your super-strength or something?" Beast Boy asked.

Wonder Woman punched him through the wall.

—

"I'm sorry, but I don't agree," said 2003-2006 _Teen Titans_ animated Robin heatedly. "I'm afraid Slade is more powerful and evil than Darth Vader."

"How dare you?!111!" Raged Luke Skywalker. "Darth Vader PWNS Slade!11!"

—

"Oh, of course I shall take this ring to Mount Doom for you, strange but cute little man!" Starfire squealed.

Frodo scarpered.

—

"Wow, lookit," Cyborg noted, giving Goku a nod. "Your hair glows in the dark."

—

"WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON!" Cried Raven, Sam from _Danny Phantom_ and Yumi from _Hi Hi Puffy AmiYumi_.

—

"NO," said Jessica Rabbit, catching sight of Beast Boy drooling at her in her compact mirror.

—

"Sorry, but no," 2003-2006 _Teen Titans_ animated Robin said scathingly. "Slade is obviously more deranged and psychotic than the Joker."

"How dare you?!!1111!!" Raged Batman. "The Joker PWNS Slade!111!"

—

"Ah, yes, Pokémon!" Starfire cried. "They are a delicacy on my planet!"

Ash and Pikachu looked rather alarmed.

—

"Huh. _Robot Chicken_," snickered Butthead.

"Hehheheheheh, y-yeah!" Agreed Beavis.

—

"Holy-freaking-jeepers-golly-gosh-wowzers-jinkies-_Walmart_-ant-poison-birthday-cake-socks, Batman!" Declared 60s _Batman_ TV Series Burt Ward Robin.

60s _Batman_ TV Series Adam West Batman (later typecast for the rest of his life) Bat-bitchslapped him.

—

"It's okay, fellas!" Peter (played by Bill Murray) said. "These guys have _Hostess Twinkies© _in their fridge!"

* * *

"I don't know how we're going to do this," 2003-2006 _Teen Titans_ animated Robin said to Raven. "And stop making out with Gaara, Angel, Danny Phantom and Sephiroth!" 

"But they are all my soul mates!" Raven cried in rapture. "Besides, if you feel that strongly about it, then why is that priestess clinging to your arm?"

2003-2006 _Teen Titans_ animated Robin shook Kikyo off with some difficulty.

"I seem to attract the ones in red and white," he said. "I hid in the mop closet for twenty minutes to lose Sailor Mars and some guy dressed up as a salmon sushi roll. Han Solo frozen in carbonate is in there. Did you know that?"

"No." Raven finally shook off her leech-like admirers. "Well, what shall we do?"

"I don't know. There are too many of them."

"Excellent work, Robin," said Raven in a deadpan, sarcastic, satirical, monotone, poker-faced, expressionless, sardonic, cynical, acerbic, mordant, bored tone.

Suddenly she gasped as suddenly some bayonets suddenly came from nowhere and suddenly went through 2003-2006 _Teen Titans_ animated Robin.

"Dang it," said 2003-2006 _Teen Titans_ animated Robin, before keeling over and landing flat on his face.

"Sorry aboot tha', lass," said Father Alexander Anderson. "I thou' he was yon vampire."

"Sorry, Buffy already dealt with the guy you're looking for," Raven informed him; as, at that exact moment, Buffy drop-kicked Alucard's head across the Operations Center.

"Aye," said Anderson.

There was a long bout of silence between them, during which 2003-2006 _Teen Titans_ animated Robin got up with a lot of effort and staggered away.

"Want to be my new soul mate?" Raven asked finally, pointing towards the mop closet.

"Aye," said Anderson.

* * *

"Wow, that was really low," Peter (played by Bill Murray) observed. 

"Well, I don't think anything can be done," Egon from _Ghostbusters_ replied. "Crossing the streams – which is what I told you two _not_ to do – has destroyed the linear matrix of fictional reality. It has, quite _literally_, _crossed_ the _streams_. There's no way to fix it."

"So we did the sensible thing and just sneaked out the back when no-one was looking," finished Ray (played by Dan Aykroyd).

"And we got the_ Hostess Twinkies©_," added Peter (played by Bill Murray). "Job well done."

"And a new theme song!" Ray (played by Dan Aykroyd) reminded them. "Sing out, fellas; When there's trouble, you know who to call…"

"GHOSTBUSTERS!!!111111!!"


	10. Gender Bender

Wheee!!11! 100 reviews! Although I admit to posting #100 myself, because... I'm cool like that.

Gender Bender

"Okay," said Raven, "I'm sure this was a _very_ _cute_ idea at first, but now…?"

HE looked across at Blazefire. He wasn't sure why the creators of "gender bent" Titans stories and artwork always felt the need to change "Starfire" to "Blazefire" or "Sparkfire" or "Flamefire", or… something…

But they always did, so he would just have to go with that.

He also noted that "Robin" usually became "Robyn" and his own name "Raven", usually became "Revan" or, worse, "Crow".

He didn't understand either of these either; and was relieved when ROBIN walked into the room, sporting waist-length hair, stiletto heels and a killer cleavage, but without a "y" in sight.

"Hello, ROBIN," he said. "Isn't it nice that our names haven't changed?"

"I'd rather WE hadn't changed," Robin sulked. "Or, wait… _did_ we? Was I ever a guy?"

Raven recalled the short pants and pixies; and frowned.

"That's debatable…"

"Friends, I am manly!" Said Blazefire.

"Well, I'm confused," said Cyborg, and everyone ignored Blazefire and his manliness. "Did we suddenly become like this, or were we always like this?"

She had a Foxxy Cleopatra-style afro created from circuitry and several jump leads.

"I swear I never used to wear a dress," declared Beast Girl.

"This is most puzzling," said Raven.

"This entire were-we-or-weren't-we situation?" Cyborg asked.

"Well, yes, that," said Raven, "but also that I am now a guy, and _still_ the most sensible member of the team. Robin, your female hormones don't seem to have helped you out at all."

"Yes, but now I am entitled to bitchslap you, Raven," Robin replied.

So she did.

Raven slapped her back and they ended up batting ineffectively at each other's hands in a truly retarded manner.

"ANYWAY," snapped Cyborg, putting her hands on her hips in an MTV ghetto 'tude kind of way. "What's the sitch here, my homies?"

"Well," said Raven, hitting Robin with a lamp, "on DeviantART, the pattern usually goes that we were _always_ reversed genders. However, on fanfictionDOTnet, it's more likely that any gender bent fictions will have us starting out as our original genders then meeting with some spell, potion, or Jusenkyo Cursed Springs from _Ranma 1/2_ that reverses us, throwing us into a confusing world as we attempt to learn about our new bodies, initially struggling to do so but then coming to accept what we have become and therefore allowing us to function properly as a team again and work together to reverse our predicament again."

"And…?" Beast Girl prompted.

"Well, since this is fanfictionDOTnet, it seems to me like we did actually just wake up this morning as a bunch of permanent _Ranma 1/2_ accidents."

"So what do we do?" Cyborg pressed worriedly, checking her afro in the reflection in the window.

"Find a way to reverse it, I suppose," Raven said, drifting away. "I'll go and look in my books. In the meantime, Beast _Girl_… you should go check yourself out. It's probably the only time you'll ever see a naked girl…"

He left, filled with male superiority.

Blazefire and Robin (who had recovered from the lamp beating) started eyeing each other up and down; Cyborg and the annoyed Beast Girl watched them for a moment or two, before the pair of them dashed out of the room at top speed to go do God-knows-what with their reversed gender bodies.

Beast Girl threw herself down on the couch sulkily.

"I _hate_ Rumiko Takahashi," she stormed.


	11. Small Print?

Rawr, somuchRErevision... my head hurts... But last one is tomorrow, so... yay! I haven't even had a chance to read all the reviewes you guys gave me last chapter... You could all be begging me to stop posting this crap and I just keep on going anyways, kakaka...

Anyway... you may or may not be familiar with _Small Print_, the RobinxSlade thingie I co-write with Narroch. Thought I'd make fun of myself today, anyhow...

Small Print…?

"SILENCE IN COURT!" Bellowed the judge. "Now, we're all here for a very serious reason. Accusations of sexual harassment and stalking always make my skin crawl, so if we could please just get on with this…?"

"Very well," growled Harvey Dent.

Well, Two-Face; but because of connections, he was the defendant's lawyer, despite the fact that that was ridiculous and he should have been locked up in Arkham Asylum.

"My client," the maniac rasped, "has filed three separate charges of sexual harassment, along with additional charges of stalking. I have it all written down, along with surveillance tape evidence of one of the harassment incidences."

The judge nodded, turning to the body pressing charges.

"Now, you're under oath," he said, "so is this all true?"

"Yes, it's all true," Slade sniffled. He pointed wildly at the defendant bench, where Robin was sitting, hand-cuffed and scowling. "He won't leave me alone!"

"Could you please be a little more specific?" The judge asked.

"Well, I wanted an apprentice," Slade said tragically, "and I thought Robin would make a good successor to me, so I implanted destructive probes in his friends, tricked him into coming to me with the ruse of a chronoton detonator, then blackmailed him into working for me and kept him prisoner. I also made him wear very tight leather."

The judge nodded.

"That sounds reasonable," he said. "Go on."

"Well, he's always been rather obsessed with me, and I expect he saw the apprenticeship as his chance to express his feelings towards me. I…"

The villain gave a sudden gasping little sob, choking up.

"I-I'm sorry, it's just… hard for me t-to speak about…"

"It's alright," said the judge kindly. "Perhaps we should show the surveillance tape?"

Slade gave a tearful nod and Harvey Dent passed the tape up towards the jury. It was put into the tape recorder and the footage on it came up on a big canvas screen above the judge's big high table thing.

Two crudely-made hand puppets of Slade and Robin bobbed up on the screen, the Robin one doing some kind of odd little dance. They both had button eyes and cross-stitched smiley mouths.

Over in the defendant's bench, the real Robin's left eye twitched madly.

"Oh, Slade!" The Robin puppet "said" in a squeaky voice that sounded an awful lot like Slade on helium. "Have sex with me!"

"No, Robin," "replied" the Slade puppet, turning away from the other puppet.

"Yes!" The Robin puppet demanded.

"NO!"

"Then I shall take you by force, ah hahahahahahahahaha!" Shrieked the Robin puppet, laughing dementedly while dancing again.

"Oh, please…!" The Slade puppet begged, flailing as the Robin puppet pounced on it and took it out of frame.

"Oh, turn it off!" The judge said, sounding disgusted.

Over at the defendant's bench, Robin felt his heart lift. Could the judge now see the ludicrousy of this accusation? And with evidence like that; a home video of felt hand puppets that looked like a couple of kindergartners had made them…

The judge was now flipping through the statements and additional evidence. Finally he looked up, his brow furrowed deeply.

"This is very serious," he said. "This boy is obviously a maniacal sex predator."

"WHAT?!" Robin exploded, standing up. "That was a freakin' _Punch and Judy_ show!"

"SILENCE!" The judge roared, banging his gable. "This is all very solid evidence." He banged the gable again. "Robin the Boy Wonder from _Teen Titans_, I sentence you to 56764.23 years in jail for sexual offences, stalking, and also for being clearly colorblind." He banged the gable a third and final time. "Case closed. Take him away."

"_What_…?" Robin was too stunned to stop the men in white coats putting him into a straightjacket and buckling it tightly.

"This is INSANE!" He shrieked as they dragged him away. "INSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE!!!11111!!!1!"

The judge wiped his brow as the doors to the court room swung closed and Robin's injusticed shrieks died away.

"Thank god that's over," he said. "Okay, bring in the next one."

The doors opened again and Batman and the Joker were led in.

"Now, what seems to be the trouble here?" The judge asked the Joker kindly.

"He hit me!" The Joker wailed, pointing at Batman.

The judge and the jury gasped in horror.

"That's terrible! Please, in your own time, tell us exactly what happened so that we can put this monster behind bars."

"Well," the Joker sniffed, "it all started last Tuesday, when I was poisoning Gotham's water supply…"


	12. Starfire, on Earth

Because there are **so many** of these, and they piss the hell out of me.

On a brighter note, my A Level exams are ovah!!!111! I have this other stupid 3 hour English exam on Thursday, but I'm only doing that because I am universally dumb and actually _volunteered_ to do it...

Starfire, on Earth

One day, for some reason that the author never actually explained, Starfire decided she would create a log or blog or video or diary or some other type of instrument used for recording information, explaining all about Earth.

Which was a bit stupid really; and actually it would have made more sense if someone else who was actually _from_ Earth had made one and given it to her instead, so that she wouldn't think aardvarks are a type of a duck.

But it seemed like a hilarious idea for a fanfiction, so…

Yeah.

Because Starfire is like stupid or something.

Anyway, without further ado, Starfire started to compose her account of various Earthly customs and objects; they were, of course, completely random, because Starfire is like random or something…

As was the common fanfictionDOTnet belief, anyway.

_

* * *

Greetings_, Starfire wrote, thinking it would be rude not to greet the book she was writing in, because Starfire was polite like that. _As a stranger to this planet, I have decided to account everything that I find strange or unusual. I do not know why I have decided to do this, since Earthlings will already know these things, and Tamaraneans will not care. Nevertheless, I begin my quest to hunt for things that I may write about._

Starfire found a sock in the hall and sellotaped it into her book, not considering that its owner might want it back.

_SOCK_, she wrote. _This is a garment for the foot, which I find amusing for some fanfiction-related reason. Beast Boy and Cyborg like to gather these up into a ball and throw them at each other, which I often giggle at, and at which Raven usually voices how idiotic she thinks they are, which obviously suggests her underlying passion for Beast Boy._

Then Starfire found a bottle of mustard and stuck that in her book.

_MUSTARD_, she wrote_. I like to drink this because I am a strange alien, and, to illustrate this fact in fanfiction, most authors put it in at some point. _

She found the TV remote and put that in too.

_REMOTE OF THE TELEVISION_, she wrote. _An implement for changing the channel of the television. Cyborg is often distraught whenever it is lost, even though he has once stated, in the episode __**Fear Itself**__, that we have nine of them. _

She discovered some hairclips in her room and stuck them in.

_HAIRCLIPS_, she wrote. _Pink and sparkly hair decorations that I always buy every time I go to the mall. Apparently. _

She found a condom in Beast Boy's room and glued it in.

_CONDOM_, she wrote. _Common fanfiction lore is that I am too naïve to understand what this is. But I do. I most certainly do…_

She stuck in a protesting Silkie.

_SILKIE_, she wrote. _This is a disgusting worm-like thing which Beast Boy rescued from Killer Moth. I treat it like a child and often lick it, because I am deprived, clearly. _

Then she stuck in, with some difficultly, the mall.

_THE MALL OF SHOPPING_, she wrote. _I often drag Raven here, usually in a plot device. She mooches around, hating my guts, while I buy short skirts and hairclips. Less often, the whole team comes here together, where pairings will do the hooking up._

She somehow managed to stick in MTV.

_MTV_, she wrote. _This is a ghetto channel of the television which parody fanfictions will often associate me with, since I am completely the opposite of the things promoted on it. Word up._

Then she stuck in Robin, who was passing.

_ROBIN_, she wrote. _Very confusing Earth boy on whom I have a huge crush. He is obsessed with our arch-nemesis and is also color-blind, and many fangirls despise me because they also have a huge crush on Robin and think they are going to marry him. I would just like to say: Dream on, biznatches! He is mine!!!11! _

Then Starfire got bored of this, as did all the readers, and the author.

Maybe it wasn't really so hilarious after all.

* * *

On a completely unrelated note, Starfire noticed that in almost EVERY SINGLE FANFICTION in the _Teen Titans_ section, she was written adding "Friend" in front of everyone's names. 

"Robin" became "Friend Robin"; "Raven" became "Friend Raven", etc.

Starfire thought this very strange, since she had never once said that in _**any**_ of the 67 episodes of _Teen Titans_, nor the _Trouble in Tokyo_ movie.

She wondered where it had come from and why it was so widely accepted.

"Klorbags," she said crossly.


	13. High School AUsical

Because it just wouldn't be complete without one of these...

Also, dear **Wonder**: I _know_ Starfire isn't stupid. That was the point of the parody... O.o

Everyone else, thanks a whole lot!!! Some of you have slipped a few ideas into your reviews, and I tell ya, I am like a sponge. Keep your eyes open... or whatever.

High School AUsical

The mysterious figure silently, seriously browsed through the final page of the _Teen Titans_ section on fanfictionDOTnet, their brow furrowed by the effort of their quest.

Getting to the bottom, the young warrior knew that their search was in vain; they blinked away a few bitter tears as they shut down the browser.

It was just impossible.

There was not one single page that was not plagued with the curse of a _Teen Titans_ high school AU story.

* * *

"Well, gee, Richard," said Vic, "as always, you are the richest, hottest, most popular jock in school." 

Richard sighed and adjusted his stereotypical red and white jock jacket.

"I know, I can't help it. Fifty million of these fics, and in every single one, I'm the richest, hottest, most popular jock in school. It gets so boring. Just this once, I wish… I could be the new kid, or the weird misfit kid. But noooooooooo. Those roles always go to Starfire and Raven."

"And I'm always your big best friend," said Vic. "I'm on the football/basketball/swim team too, but I'm not quite as good as you, even though, in reality, I was an Olympic athlete."

"And I'm the perpetual tagalong," said Gar, tagging along behind them. "I try to be cool like you two, but no matter how _hard_ I try, I'm not. I usually find love though, mostly because Tara feels sorry for me, or because the author is a fan of BBxRaven and puts us together because we're "like, _so_ cute together!", even though there is even _less_ of a basis for our relationship than there is in a regular _Teen Titans_ fanfic."

"I usually lose my virginity in these fics," Richard pointed out, ignoring Gar-the-uncool-tagalong. "And also, the 13 year old writers are too embarrassed to write "Dick", so they call me "Richard" instead, even though, in the entirety of my 67 years of existence since 1940, I have never once actually been called that."

"What shall we do?" Gar asked in his tagalong manner.

"Well, since, ironically, RobinRocks is attempting to satire USA high school AUs when she is British and has an entirely different education system, therefore having no clue what it is actually like to go to school here, I suppose we had better do something stereotypical," said Vic.

"Wanna go hang out by the lockers?"

"Okay."

* * *

"Hello," said Kori Anders, approaching the lone friendless Goth girl sitting on a shaded bench in one of the quads at recess. "I am new. I was wondering whether you should wish to be my friend?" 

The girl glared at her.

"I'm Raven. I'm a loner, and also a goth. No." She paused. "But later I will make friends with you, and we shall be become inseparable best friends, sharing the secrets of our quests for high school romance together. By the way, if you want to find the richest, hottest, most popular jock in school, he's probably hanging out by the lockers."

"Okay. Thankyou!"

Kori went away, deciding to come back in four chapters' time.

It completely escaped her notice that, despite the insistence of the vast majority of the population of fanfictionDOTnet that it was "Kori" with an "i", if they bothered to look at the old _New Teen Titans_ comics from which Starfire originated, they would have seen that it was in fact "Kory" with a "y".

* * *

"Hello, richest, hottest and most popular jock in school," said Kori to Richard when she accidentally bumped into him and he knocked all her books out of her hand, and was originally just going to walk past her because he was so cool, but then he saw her ass and legs and decided to stop and help her pick them up, stammering his apology because although he was like a total HUNNY MAGNET, he was a complete innocent virgin angel type thing, having never even kissed anyone, so… 

Yeah.

"Hello, really hot new girl," replied Richard. "You have really nice… eyes."

"Thankyou," said Kory, the "i" suddenly becoming, for one _wonderful_, accurate moment, a "y". "You have a very big… logo on your jacket."

"We obviously can't start dating right away," said Richard, "because it just doesn't work like that, at least according to _She's All That_ and _High School AUsical…_ I-I mean, _Musical_. We have to walk away from each other without knowing each other's names, think about each other incessantly until it borders on obsession, whereupon we will meet by chance again, possibly at the mall; or the Sadie Hawkins dance, where some other biatch asked me first and we were both very dejected and frustrated but couldn't say anything, so you asked Gar instead, and then Tara was pissed off at you, and Gar decided he fancied Tara too, only he said yes to you because he thought Tara had asked someone else, and when you weren't looking he and Tara sneaked off outside to go make out, which Raven saw them do, and she told you because she thought you liked Gar, and although you didn't really mind, Raven's kind act of tattle-taling brought you two closer together, and she was the one who told you that if you liked me, you had to go after your dreams, and hey, the prom was coming up."

Kori nodded, the "i" peskily reinstating itself.

"Yes, you are absolutely right, richest, hottest and most popular jock in school," she said. "I shall go obsess about you in study hall right now!"

She dashed away.

"Who was that hot new girl?" Richard mused dreamily, leaning against his locker.

* * *

"I AM THE OTHER BIATCH!" Declared Kitten. "AND I AM THE RICHEST, PRETTIEST AND MOST POPULAR GIRL IN SCHOOL!11!!!eleven!1!"

* * *

"Hello again, richest, hottest, most popular jock in school," said Kori, owning all in her stunning dress. She was obviously like the most beautiful, breathtaking thing Richard had ever seen, even though he'd once seen the Northern Lights and had several issues of _Vogue_ under his mattress. 

_Playboy_ was for dirty, uncool tagalongs, like Gar.

"Hi, hot new girl," replied Richard, looking like teh smex in his… whatever boys wear to the Sadie Hawkins dance. "Although we both feel the utmost fiery high school passion for each other, I must warn you that complications have come up. I'm Richard, by the way. Well, not really, but the author was too embarrassed to write my actual name."

"What do you mean by _complications_?" Asked Kori, thinking that if he would just shut up long enough, she might be able to kiss him on his richest, hottest, most popular jock in school lips. "My name is Kori, by the way. It should be spelt with a "y", but… as you can see, it is not."

"I mean that since you are new and friendless, despite how hot you are, I cannot yet date you. You see, I am the richest, hottest, most popular jock in school, and because of that, I have a status that is superior to yours. And, thus, the richest, prettiest, most popular girl in school has already claimed me. It all _matches_, you see. Richest, hottest, most popular boy with richest, prettiest, most popular girl. She is the one who asked me here tonight, and although I hate her and think she's a pretentious bitch, and can see that you do not actually fancy Gar and only asked him at the last minute because you had no-one else to go with, and he only accepted because he thought Tara had asked someone else, I must break your heart tonight by kind of encouraging your advances, but not telling Kitten to go jump off a bridge when she comes sashaying over here and wraps her arms around my neck and addresses you in a bitchy manner, effectively telling you to back off, she saw me first. Thus, you wander away dejectedly to go sit in the garden by yourself, lamenting that you will never be with me, while I kind of gaze longingly after you but ultimately stay in here with Kitten; meanwhile, your friendship with Raven will blossom, so the night will not be completely wasted. Your ass looks really hot in that dress, by the way."

Kori blushed and smiled.

"Okay."

At that moment, Kitten, in a PINK DRESS, came sashaying over.

"Hi, Rich," she purred, draping herself around Richard's shoulders. "How are you enjoying the party, my equal in looks, riches and popularity?"

"It's okay," said Richard. "I was just talking to Kori. She's new. Have you met?"

"No," replied Kitten," but now that we have, and I have seen that she is prettier than me, and also that you show interest in her and do not treat her like dirt, I see that she is a threat to me and therefore, from this moment forth, shall become a complete and utter bitch and make her life a misery, while callously reminding her with my nasty little smirks and preens that you are out of her league and that she will never be able to compete with me where you are concerned."

"You're already a bitch, Kitten," Richard reminded her sweetly.

"But of course," replied Kitten. "That's the only reason I am ever put into these AUs – to act as an unlikable contender against Kori for your affections."

Kori slinked away, suitably heartbroken and dejected.

* * *

"So," said Raven, in a BLACK DRESS, "we're into the fifth chapter." 

"Yes," sniffed Kori, crying her little heart out on the bench outside.

"So I guess it's time for us to become inseparable best friends."

"Yes, I suppose so."

Raven cleared her throat and said;

"Gar's ditched you for Tara. I just saw them swapping saliva behind the fountain."

Kori threw her arms around Raven tightly.

"Oh, thankyou, Raven! You are a true friend!!!111!"

* * *

"The prom is coming up," said Raven, flipping the page of her magazine as Kori braided her hair. 

They were indulging in the Super-Duper-Ultra-Fun-Girls-Night-In-Slumber-Party™, which was totally OOC for Raven's goth-ness, which was again kinda OOC, but whatever. Both girls were dressed in short silky nightdresses, wore face masks and were experimenting with hairstyles while watching _Ten Things I Hate About You_. It was obvious that the author was a fan of _Totally Spies_.

"I know," said Kori. "I desire to go with Richard, but he is with Kitten. He will never ask me to go with him. Woe is me. Woe."

Raven took her friend by the elbows.

"This is remarkably out-of-character for any version of me to say," she began, "but Kori, if you truly love Richard, then you must follow your heart's desire. Besides, even if you don't, by the end of the fic, he'll realize you're the one for him. Most of the kids who write these fics have all seen _High School Musical_, and that was a Disney film, so you know everything turned out okay. Don't give up hope."

Kori smiled, tears coming to her eyes.

"I am so lucky to have come to this school and met all these wonderful people!" She wailed happily, hugging Raven tightly.

Again.

* * *

"_Soooooooooo_…" Kitten nudged up beside Richard in the limousine on the way to the prom, her PINK DRESS rustling and glittering. Because Kitten always wore pink, obviously. "We're going to be crowned Prom King and Queen." 

"Probably," said Richard in disinterest.

"Do you like my dress?"

"Yeah."

"Do you like the limo?"

"Sure."

"Can I blow you?"

"No."

"Why not?" Kitten pouted.

"Because I'm like, a complete virgin, and I can't have you tarnishing that," said Richard. "I've never even kissed anyone. And the general rules with these kind of fics is that my first kiss is with Kori/Kory."

He paused, glancing at Kitten, who was still pouting prettily, looking at his crotch.

"Besides," he added, "I fucking hate you."

* * *

Kori (who looked far more stunning than Kitten in her floor-length deep violet dress, which was like sleeveless and quite low, and made from this silky material with this glittering floaty chiffon stuff over the top, and there were some jewels all over it, so that it OWNED Kitten's dress) felt tears well up in her eyes when the Prom King and Queen were announced and she saw Kitten grab Richard's arm and haul him up onto the stage. 

"OMG, like thankyou _soooooooooo_ much!!1111!" Kitten cried, clinging to Richard's arm. "Although, since I am the richest, hottest and most popular girl in school, and Richard is the richest, hottest and most popular jock in school, it seems only natural that we should OWN you all and be crowned your prom sovereigns."

Everyone cheered.

Kori turned and fled, unable to take any more of the Raw and Tormenting High School Agony. She ran outside to cry her little heart out again.

Richard saw her go and knew in his heart that she was the one for him, and that he must go after her.

He bitchslapped Kitten and walked offstage.

"Hey, Raven," he said as he passed her, "Tara mysteriously went away because halfway through the story, the author decided that she preferred the BBxRaven ship rather than BBxTerra, so she cut Tara out like she was never even in the fic at all."

"Ohhhh," said Raven, understanding, and at once, instead of going to comfort her best friend, went to find Gar, that perverted little tagalong loser.

Richard went outside and found Kori crying on one of the benches.

Again.

"Hey," he said, coming up behind her, "don't cry. I've come out here after you. After twenty-odd chapters of random scenes in the library, cafeteria, and our respective homerooms, I have realized that our school statuses are meaningless in the face of love. You are the one for me, Kori Anders. Please, kiss me so that I don't have to feel like a loser anymore."

"Do you mean it?" Kori asked tearfully.

"That I feel like a loser? Why, yes. I'm almost eighteen, for Chris'sakes."

"No, I mean… about you loving me?"

"Oh, yes. That too."

"Oh, Richard!" Kori cried happily; all her dreams had come true.

She threw herself into his arms and they kissed the way the two star-crossed lead characters always do in teen high school romance movies.

In an incredibly exaggerated, melodramatic manner.

With music.

And a complete three hundred and sixty degree camera pan around them.

Like they did in _Trouble in Tokyo_.

"Oh, but it seems so unfair," Starfire (the author slipping up and accidentally calling her that instead of Kori) whispered into his chest as they broke apart. "An entire thirty-something chapters of this crap, and we only get together in the last one."

"Don't worry," replied Richard confidently. "The author will have gotten off on writing this story so much, believing it to be completely original, they'll most likely write about three sequels, concluding our senior year, graduation, probably our engagement, and then our marriage, and an additional spin-off story about our kids, which are OCs that the author thought would be really cute, and that story will probably be about _them_ going through high school and all interacting the way we all have, finding love in the detention room and whatnot."

"Glorious!" Kori cried, embracing him tightly.

And they all lived happily ever after.

"Is it me," observed Vic, "or do we never actually seem to go to any lessons or do any homework in these high school AUs?"…


	14. Future Kids of the Teen Titans

Because it follows on from last chapter _so_ nicely...

To **Wonder**: Hey, don't start feeling bad! I wasn't actually taking a crack at you there. I was just pointing it out. You didn't have to apologise, although thankyou anyway. That was very kind and thoughtful of you to say so. :)

For the record, I **am** actually quite a bitch. -_Smirk-_.

Future Kids of the Titans of the Past… or something like that

"It seems like the only sensible thing to do!" Declared Nightfire, daughter of the grown up Robin and Starfire. "Since our parents are not the Teen Titans anymore, we must become the new generation!"

"What a great idea!" Agreed the perpetually cheerful Mark, son of Beast Boy and Raven, because the author couldn't think of a name that successfully melded Raven and Beast Boy together.

"I suppose no harm can come of it," said Dove, daughter of Robin and Raven.

"Yeah, let's rock out!" Said Rocky, son of Terra and Beast Boy.

"And I'll be your token black guy!" Said Battery-Pack, son of Cyborg and Bumblebee (we're not even gonna ASK how that happened…).

"AWESOME111!!" Yelled everyone.

* * *

Nobody found it at all strange or promiscuous that Robin, Beast Boy and Raven had two offspring each, all by different combinations of sexual partner; nor that both of Robin's were daughters, and both of Beast Boy's were sons. 

And the pairing wars raged on.

* * *

Nightfire looked like Starfire, only she had long black hair and blue eyes, so that she looked kind of like Blackfire, really; she could fly, shoot starbolts, and had also mastered all forms of martial arts and was a great detective. 

And she was the leader of the New Generation of Teen Titans.

Obviously.

—

Mark looked like a normal boy, except he had pointed ears and fangs. The author never mentioned what color his hair was or what his powers were because, like his name, they couldn't put their finger on the right combination.

It was mostly because BBxRaven was a stupid pairing.

:D

—

Dove looked like Raven, only she had long black hair and blue eyes, so that she kind of looked like the _New Teen Titans_ version, really; she could levitate, heal, use telekinesis, and had also mastered all forms of martial arts and was a great detective.

She _wasn't_ the leader of the New Generation of Teen Titans because she was probably destined to destroy the world or something due to some incredibly original plot device involving Trigon or Ra's al Ghul.

Or possibly both.

—

Rocky, which was an incredibly unoriginal name for any child of Terra's (not that any of the others' names were much better), had green skin with blonde hair. He could shape-shift and shift rock.

Which was hardly innovative, but whatever.

—

Battery-Pack was a black guy, which was to be expected, not because it was racist, but because the author had put the two token black characters together.

Which was reasonable, but rather narrow-minded.

On top of that, neither Cyborg or Bumblebee actually had any "powers", as such, so Battery-Pack was called such for no real reason, since he wasn't robotic like his father. Overall, he wasn't the cool kind of powerless that Robin had been; he was just powerless.

Which left him to be the token black guy, not because it was racist, but because the author wanted to have some token black humor in the story that had once been provided by Cyborg.

Which was reasonable, but rather narrow-minded.

* * *

"Well," said Nightfire, as the New Generation of Teen Titans sat around in the Operations Center of the restored Titans Tower, "I think the team and the fanfic have both pulled together really well. Despite the fact that most of the readers clicked "Back" after reading a quarter of the way down the first page and making the correct assumption that the real Teen Titans themselves weren't even going to be _in_ it, even though no indication is made they are dead, we've successfully established ourselves as the new team of Titans, restored the old Tower our parents used, fought off some bad guys, all fallen in love with each other and moved around in various confusing triangles, and learned secrets about our parents, ourselves and each other, thus enabling us to work as well together as our parents did." 

Dove nodded quietly over her book.

"And now…" Said Mark, opening the box.

"…Pizza!" Finished Rocky. "Wow, how incredibly _original_ we are!"

"Booyah!" Said Battery-Pack.

* * *

To **Kervorkian**: Please don't kill me over the RavenxBB crack. It's all in good jest, my friend. :D 


	15. Titan Idol

No, RavenxBB fans! Come back!!!!111!

They all scarpered, I think, because I made fun of it so relentlessly.

Today, however, it's Terra's turn: Witness Simon Cowell vs. Mary Sue...

Titan Idol (a.k.a How Terra _really_ got on the team)

"This ought to be a laugh," said Terra the Conniving Biatch, standing in line for the auditions of _Titan Idol_.

"Y'what?" Squawked the old lady standing in the queue in front of her; she looked about ninety, and was wearing a T-shirt with McFly on it, because…

Good question, isn't it? O.o

"Here's another question," Terra the Conniving Biatch said, despite the fact that she hadn't even voiced the first one. "What are YOU doing, standing in this line?"

"_Eeeeeeh_!" The old lady was affronted. "And why _shouldn't_ I be, you disrespectful youth, you?"

"Because this is an audition line for a new member of the Teen Titans," Terra the Conniving Biatch snapped, "which means it should be populated only by Mary Sues and Gary Stus. _You're_ clearly NOT one of us."

The old lady mumbled something about corn and shuffled out of the line.

"Like, OMG!" Said the girl behind Terra the Conniving Biatch. "As if!"

"As if what?" Terra the Conniving Biatch asked her.

"As if the Titans would even _consider_ her," said the girl. "I mean, she's such a stereotype, but the author has attempted in desperation to make her that little bit different from all the other characters just like her, but, ultimately, it just makes her lamer than she was before… if that's possible."

"Ah," Terra the Conniving Biatch said, the meaning of the McFly t-shirt suddenly becoming clear to her. "So I guess she _was_ a Mary Sue. Kind of."

"Oh, Mary Sues are soooooooooo passé," the girl told her. "Any old Mary Sue isn't going to cut _this_ audition. An **Ubër Sue** is the thing to be now."

"Really?" Terra the Conniving Biatch asked, suddenly feeling rather worried. Was it possible that she just wasn't enough of a Sue to get a place with the Teen Titans?

She knew how it worked by now. The Original Five were the foundation, and all worked well together – anyone else who entered the team was obviously going to be a Sue. It was like scientific, or something.

She added up her own Sue points in her head. She had a troubled past, powers that she couldn't control, no family, was pretty, and, if things went to her plan, she would be loved by all the Titans and have a romance with an already existing character.

"I think I've got a pretty good chance," she told the girl haughtily.

The girl laughed.

"Tchyeah, _right_. You're nowhere near as AMAZING as me."

"And who are you?" Terra the Conniving Biatch demanded.

The girl drew herself up (because her outline had come undone) and announced:

"I am Crystal Dark Night Shadow Jewel Flame Angel Rose Sapphire Moonlight Wolfe Raine Witch Cascade Willow Teardrop Opal Blood Death Sorrow Sky Starbucks McDonalds Pizza Hut Burger King Oreo Peanut Butter Disneyland Elvis **Smith**."

The author completely forgot that the entire fanfic was now retardedly out-of-sequence.

Then again, it wasn't like Crystal Dark Night Shadow Jewel Flame Angel Rose Sapphire Moonlight Wolfe Raine Witch Cascade Willow Teardrop Opal Blood Death Sorrow Sky Starbucks McDonalds Pizza Hut Burger King Oreo Peanut Butter Disneyland Elvis was worth worrying about anyway, out-of-sequence or not…

"I'm Terra," said Terra the Conniving Biatch. "I'm a conniving biatch, and I plan to betray and destroy the Titans to their worst enemy once I gain their trust."

"That's nothing," Crystal Dark Night Shadow Jewel Flame Angel Rose Sapphire Moonlight Wolfe Raine Witch Cascade Willow Teardrop Opal Blood Death Sorrow Sky Starbucks McDonalds Pizza Hut Burger King Oreo Peanut Butter Disneyland Elvis replied. "I plan to join the Titans and slowly take over the entire fan fiction, so that the whole plot becomes wrapped up in my boring, badly-written, vampire-riddled back-story, coming to a climax where only I can save the day, even though I do not want to use my deadly powers, but the Titans convince me that I am the strongest warrior there has ever been and that only I can do it and that they are my friends and will stand by me forever. Then, in the last chapter, the Titans all gush about how I am the best thing that has ever happened to them, and I act all noble and stuff, and then we all go for pizza."

Terra the Conniving Biatch gasped in horror.

"_You're pure evil_…" She whispered.

* * *

"Now, is this _Pop Idol_ or _American Idol_ or_ Author Idol _or _X Factor_ or what?!" Snapped Simon Cowell. "Why do _I_ always get dragged to judge at these seething cesspools of mediocrity? One day, I'm going to go and hide in a beach hut. _Then_ what will you do, hmm? THEN WHAT WILL YOU DO?" 

A couple of camera guys laughed at his accent, and the Host said:

"Simon, this is _Titan Idol_. The Teen Titans decided that, since they were into their second season, they needed a new team member to betray them, so they asked to hold an audition on public TV to find the biggest Sue character they could, and because the Cartoon Network executives have more money than sense, they agreed, so here we are."

"Surely you don't need _me_ for this!" Snapped Simon Cowell.

"Sure we do. You're here to do that cute little British thing you do."

"What "cute little British thing"?" Snapped Simon Cowell.

"You know, completely annihilate everyone's egos," the Host said with a broad glittering smile. "Now, shall we get started?"

"Very well," snapped Simon Cowell. "Pile in the rubbish heap."

"Wait, wait, wait!" Said the Host. "We need to introduce your co-judges. Since Paula and Randy were too busy being mocked on _Saturday Night Live_, we decided to get you some other British people so that you didn't feel that everyone was laughing at _your_ accent in particular."

"Wonderful," snapped Simon Cowell. "More idiotic spare wheels to make me kill myself a little more inside my head every time they speak."

"We knew you'd be pleased," beamed the Host. "Let's introduce _Teen Titans_-related overly stereotypical British canon characters, Mad Mod and Alfred Pennyworth!"

The audience clapped and cheered; Simon Cowell banged his head on the desk.

—

Simon Cowell was on the verge of turning into Sasuke by the time they got to Crystal Dark Night Shadow Jewel Flame Angel Rose Sapphire Moonlight Wolfe Raine Witch Cascade Willow Teardrop Opal Blood Death Sorrow Sky Starbucks McDonalds Pizza Hut Burger King Oreo Peanut Butter Disneyland Elvis **Smith.**

Alfred had morphed into a good Paula, clapping and commenting politely, because he was a butler.

That makes sense.

Mad Mod, on the other hand, just blared out random comments and called the contestants his duckies.

"Oh, dear god!" Snapped Simon Cowell, finally losing it as the **Ubër Sue** strutted out in front of them.

"What's your name, love?" Alfred asked.

"My name is Crystal Dark Night Shadow Jewel Flame Angel Rose Sapphire Moonlight Wolfe Raine Witch Cascade Willow Teardrop Opal Blood Death Sorrow Sky Starbucks McDonalds Pizza Hut Burger King Oreo Peanut Butter Disneyland Elvis **Smith**," replied Crystal Dark Night Shadow Jewel Flame Angel Rose Sapphire Moonlight Wolfe Raine Witch Cascade Willow Teardrop Opal Blood Death Sorrow Sky Starbucks McDonalds Pizza Hut Burger King Oreo Peanut Butter Disneyland Elvis.

"Just give me the part," she went on. "I deserve it. I am AMAZING."

"Now hold on!" Snapped Simon Cowell. "Why did you just start a new paragraph, you silly cow?"

"Because I am AMAZING."

"No you are _not_!" Snapped Simon Cowell. "You are the utmost _epiphany_ of a twelve year old's fandom-logged mind; a brash, horrific caricature of what this deprived child thinks is cool. You are a cliché-ridden, appalling marriage of everything that makes a fiction character bad, and have the common self-made assumption that you are incredibly original and much better than the original characters of the fandom. I rather think I would throw up my lunch right here, if I wasn't so afraid someone would scoop it into a bag and sell it on eBay; although, incidentally, it would fetch more than _you_."

Crystal Dark Night Shadow Jewel Flame Angel Rose Sapphire Moonlight Wolfe Raine Witch Cascade Willow Teardrop Opal Blood Death Sorrow Sky Starbucks McDonalds Pizza Hut Burger King Oreo Peanut Butter Disneyland Elvis glared at the British super-bitch talent judge.

"Clearly, Simon Cowell," she hissed, "you have not reckoned with the power of the **Ubër Sue**…"

"Oh my," said Alfred.

"Crivvens!" Declared Mad Mod, ducking under the table.

"Shut the bloody hell up," snapped Simon Cowell, addressing both the Sue and Mad Mod. "You can do nothing to me, Miss **Smith**. FanfictionDOTnet forbids the posting of fiction about real persons, dead or living."

"Ah ha hahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Shrieked Crystal Dark Night Shadow Jewel Flame Angel Rose Sapphire Moonlight Wolfe Raine Witch Cascade Willow Teardrop Opal Blood Death Sorrow Sky Starbucks McDonalds Pizza Hut Burger King Oreo Peanut Butter Disneyland Elvis. "Clearly you have never heard of **ADULT**fanfictionDOTnet!!!!1111!"

Even the almighty Simon Cowell looked rather concerned by this threat, but was spared when the ceiling suddenly caved in right on top of Crystal Dark Night Shadow Jewel Flame Angel Rose Sapphire Moonlight Wolfe Raine Witch Cascade Willow Teardrop Opal Blood Death Sorrow Sky Starbucks McDonalds Pizza Hut Burger King Oreo Peanut Butter Disneyland Elvis, killing the indestructible and immortal girl for some inexplicable reason.

"Sorry!" Terra the Conniving Biatch cried, running into the room. "I can't control my powers."

Simon Cowell looked from the regular Sue to the crushed **Ubër Sue** and then back again.

"She wins," snapped Simon Cowell, pointing at Terra the Conniving Biatch. "And now I'm going the hell home."

He did so, after making Terra the Conniving Biatch sign a $1,000,000 record deal.

"OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGnewgirl!!1111!" Cried all the Teen Titans together. "Yayz, we're soooooooooo, like, happy!"

"Yeah, it's like, a total coincidence that you guys just happened to stumble upon me and make me a member of your team," agreed Terra the Conniving Biatch.

She vowed never to tell them that the "T" on her shirt did not stand for "Terra" (nor the alliteration of "to tell them that the "T"…"); but actually for _Titan Idol_.

* * *

"Thank bloody hell the chapter's over," snapped Simon Cowell. "To call it 'mediocre' would be to compliment it." 


	16. Merchandising

Wow, mucho reviews! I am so glad everyone likes my insane ramblings so much!!!111!

**Wonder**: Dude, you really have to sign in so I don't have to keep publicly addressing you, but... heh, glad you like it. I didn't want to make an enemy out of you, you know.

...My little black book of people I am going to kill is full. :)

Merchandising

"Okay," said Raven. "Action figures I can deal with. Posters I can deal with. _Stationary_ I can deal with. But _this_?"

She held up the purple lacy thong with her image printed on it.

"I'm sorry," she snarled. "_This_ I cannot deal with!"

"Aw, c'mon, Raven!" Said Beast Boy, dancing around with another of the Raven thongs on his head. "Lighten up!"

"We gotta do something about this, yo!" Declared Cyborg, surfacing under a pile of _Teen Titans_ merchandise. "Raven's right. It's getting out of control."

He held up a box.

"They have popsicles of us!" He said loudly. "POPSICLES! It's encouraging little kids to bite our heads off!"

"Oh, I think they are most delicious," Starfire disagreed, sucking on a Robin one.

Um… not like _that_, though.

Perverts.

"I'm sure we, uh, never licensed this," said Robin, holding up a box that read _Official Teen Titans Sex-Filled Night In Kit._

"Ooh!" Beast Boy snatched it out of his hands, prised it open and emptied the contents out onto the floor.

The five of them gathered around, looking at the contents with wide eyes.

"Oh-_kaaay_," said Raven, disgustedly holding up a string of Butt Beads fashioned like her belt.

Then Silkie came along and ate the entire contents and the box itself.

"It's okay," Beast Boy said as Silkie shuffled off. "There's ten other boxes over here!"

Raven threw a toaster shaped like the T-Car at him.

"Okay, look," said Robin. "How about we just separate the merchandise that's acceptable from the merchandise that definitely isn't, then go down to the Warner Bros. Merchandising Offices and kick some butt?"

"Good idea," agreed Cyborg, biting the head off a Beast Boy popsicle.

They got to work.

"Um, is a Titans Tower-shaped Vibrating Sex Toy© acceptable?" Starfire asked.

"What do _you_ think, Starfire?" Raven snapped irritably.

Starfire paused; then dropped it onto the "Acceptable" pile.

* * *

"Okay, "Acceptable" pile," said Robin, after drop-kicking the Titans Tower-shaped Vibrating Sex Toy© out of the window. "We have the usual stuff; posters, action figures, statuettes, plushies, story books, fancy dress costumes, stationary, pencilcases and backpacks, coloring books, fake tattoos, plasters, breakfast cereal, clothing, skateboards, DVDs of the series and console games. The popsicles _were_ on here until Cyborg relocated them to the "Unacceptable" pile." 

"I'm not having some kid biting my head off!" Cyborg said, halfway through another Beast Boy-shaped popsicle.

Raven rolled her eyes.

"And "Unacceptable", went on Cyborg, "consists of thongs, the sex kits, the porn tape we made that night we all smoked pot and then posted up on YouTube, which the WB have downloaded and put onto DVD, bondage kits, pet flea collars, _Beast Boy's Guide to Getting Your Girl_, Robin-flavored condoms, Raven-flavored ice cream, _Teen Titans Tetris©_, Slade-shaped toilet plungers, and, most importantly, the popsicles."

"I want to know how _they_ know what we taste like," Raven muttered to Robin.

Robin shrugged as Beast Boy edged quietly away.

"Come on," said Robin, "let's go kick some WB Executive ass."

"Friends," Starfire said as they all started out of the door, "are dolls of us with several knives and other hurtful instruments concealed inside them acceptable?"

"What do _you_ think, Starfire?" Raven barbed.

"Unacceptable?" Starfire replied after a while.

"Right."

Starfire paused; then dropped it onto the "Acceptable" pile anyway.

* * *

"So we're not happy with any of this!" Said Robin in his kick-ass way, pinning one of the executives against the wall. "We want you to take everything on this list off the shelves of Wal-Mart and wherever else you sell this crap." 

"You don't understand!" Squawked the executive. "Merchandising is our bread and butter! It's what makes the money, not you guys yourselves! Do you think anyone would care about you if they couldn't go out and a buy a shirt with you on?"

"We're not concerned about the shirts," said Raven. She held up the thong. "I just don't want little wannabe-me's prancing around with my image on their butts."

"Okay, fine!" The executive gasped as Robin twisted his collar. "We'll look at your demands!"

Robin let him go and the executive took the list, scanning down it.

"All the sex merchandise," he noted. "For a group of teenagers, you sure are a buncha prudes…"

Cyborg bit the head off a WB Executive-shaped popsicle.

"Okay, okay, I'm sure we can work something out…!" Cried the executive.

"We certainly can," snapped Simon Cowell, suddenly appearing from nowhere. He held out a contract. "Here, all of you sign this instead."

The Titans did.

"Excellent," snapped Simon Cowell.

* * *

"So now we're an international, hugely-popular rap group, yo," said Cyborg, his medallions and chains-with-solid-gold-dollar-signs-on-them clanking against one another. 

"Word up, dawg," said Robin, with appropriate hand gestures.

"And now they're selling groupie shirts with "Robin, I'm pregnant!" written on them, homies," said Beast Boy, holding one up.

"I do not think our plan worked, fo' shizzle," said Starfire.

"And," said Raven, holding up the purple lacy thong with her image printed on it, "they're _still_ selling these, byotches."

There was a long bout of silence between the quadruple platinum-selling rappin' krew; then Cyborg held up a box of _Official Teen Titans-Shaped Popsicles©_.

"Wanna make a porn tape with popsicles?"

"AWRIIIIIIGHT!111!" Cried everyone.


	17. Beast Boy's Guide to Getting Your Girl

First: Guys! We've hit the 200+ marker already!

I'm sorry. This is yet another crack at BBxraven. It's easy for me to rip it to bits because I don't suport it, but I'm sorry for any offence caused.

That said... perhaps the RavenxBB shippers will find this amusing all the same.

Mentioned last chapter as a piece of inappropriate _Teen Titans_ merchandising, it's...

Beast Boy's Guide to Getting Your Girl

_Published by Popular Demand (and a lot of bribery on Beast Boy's part)_

_Price: $4,608,769,657,657,762.61_

Due to the amount of these on fanfictionDOTnet, Beast Boy came to the assumption that he was some kind of love guru or something. It was a very _bad_ assumption, since those fics were generally parodies of his romantic ineptness.

And _this_, oh dear sweet God, was a dreadful parody _of_ those parodies.

But he thought he'd go ahead and give his two cents anyway.

Because he just never took the hint about anything.

Hence…

**#10: ****Be friendly**

"Hey, Raven," said Beast Boy. "How are you?"

Raven slammed the door in his face.

**#9: Take an interest in her hobbies**

"Hey, Raven," said Beast Boy. "Reading your creepy books again?"

Raven slammed the door in his face.

**#8: Compliment her**

"Hey, Raven," said Beast Boy. "Man, your booty looks good in that leotard."

Raven slammed the door _on_ his face.

**#7: But give her space**

"Hey, Raven," squeaked Beast Boy, cowering behind the sofa as the dark goddess stalked past.

Raven sat across the other side of the room from him and Beast Boy made no effort to go any nearer to her.

**#6: Show her you like her friends**

"Star, you're soooooooooo hilarious!" Said Beast Boy, laughing and banging his fist on the table as Raven came into the room.

"Beast Boy," said Raven icily, "Starfire is at the mall."

**#5: Show her that you are willing to sacrifice for her**

"Just a little more… no…!" Beast Boy cried, button-mashing at _Super Ninja Fury_ on the Gamestation. "Yesss, just _one_ more ninja, aaaaaaaaaaand—"

Raven came into the room and turned over the channel to a programme about ancient Sanskrit mystics.

"Raven!" Beast Boy wailed. "I was _this_ close to beating Cyborg's highest…"

He trailed off as Raven turned her murderous gaze on him, a lion-like growl coming from her throat.

"Uh, bu-but that's oh-okay," he stammered. "You c-can watch your sh-show…"

**#4: Give her gifts**

"Hey, Ray-veeeen!" Beast Boy called, leaning around the door. "I have a present for you!"

"Lucky me," Raven deadpanned.

Beast Boy took his hands out from behind his back, presenting her with his and Cyborg's biggest, extreme-est, stankiest Stankball™ yet.

"Ta-da!11!" He yelled happily. "Knew you'd like it!"

Raven shoved it down his throat; which sounds like it should have been impossible, but she managed.

**#3: Take her places**

"Here we are!" Beast Boy yelled.

"Can I take off the blindfold now?" Raven barbed.

"Sure thing."

Raven removed her blindfold to find herself standing in the middle of Beast Boy's utter pigsty of a room.

"This is your room," she snapped.

"I know!" Beast Boy replied. "Wanna make out?"

"No."

**#2: Hold her hand**

"Okay, team!" Robin called. "This is a tough battle, but if we work together and do that new maneuver we practiced, I think we can win!"

The rest of the team nodded and all began to charge in.

However, Raven was jerked to a halt as Beast Boy suddenly grabbed her hand.

"What the hell are you doing?!" She demanded. "We're in the middle of a battle!"

"I'm just making you feel loved and appreciated," Beast Boy said sincerely. "I know you're an evil monster born to destroy the world, but I'm so friendly and indiscriminate, I still fancy you."

Raven snapped his wrist.

**And #1: ****No matter how horrible she acts, remember that hate equals love, so she must actually secretly be undyingly in love with you. Given that, take the plunge and kiss that girl!!!11!**

Leaning in, Beast Boy suddenly planted his lips on Raven's.

At once, all of her true feelings came surging forth.

"Oh, Beast Boy," she said as they broke apart; before rearranging his face.

"Damn shippers," she muttered.

**

* * *

****ively:**

"Dude!" Beast Boy said, cavorting around in Raven's body, cloak all aswish. "We've swapped bodies!"

Raven-in-Beast-Boy's-body sighed.

"Yes," s\he agreed. "While it is apparent to me that this is the author's way of grafting a romance fic, whereby we start out hating each other, mostly because we are unable to properly understand and communicate with each other, but when we are forcibly trapped inside one another's bodies, we must learn about each other in order to survive, gradually leading to a mutual respect and then, later, a feeling of romantic attraction, by which we will express our love for one another when we are returned to our regular bodies, possibly resulting in a physical consummation of such, rather like the episode _Switched_ except for the whole love thing, although some Yuri authors would most likely beg to differ; yes, while this is apparent to me, I am merely going to answer, in response to your declaration that we have switched bodies, merely "_Again_?!"."


	18. Robin and Cyborg's Really Lame Adventure

BTW... some of you may recognise this. Yes, lame, I know, but Idecided to move this and _TaranTEENo_ into the _Comedy Club _after taking them down a while back, since I think they have a better home here. Tomorrow is _TaranTEENo_, so if you have already read them, then... rawr.

And if you're Quinn, I know you don't like this, so go away.

Robin and Cyborg's Really Lame Adventure

Once upon a time there was a giant "T" in the middle of a river; in which lived five superpowered teenagers. Their names were Robin, Cyborg, Starfire, Beast Boy and Raven. Anyone who watches the show enough to read a fan-fic about it would of course know that.

Robin was also known as the Boy Wonder as he was the sidekick of Batman, but actually that information was completely irrelevant to a _Teen Titans_ story because Warner Bros. were cheap and stoutly refused to put Bats in it.

One day Cyborg (the rather appropriately-named cyborg) decided it would be a good idea to go camping. Cyborg realized that there would be even _less_ of a storyline, however, if he went alone. So he _persuaded_ Robin to go with him and they set off on their epic adventure that very second.

Unfortunately, due to the speediness of their departure of the giant "T", Cyborg clean forgot to pack any essentials. They had no food, no water, no tent or no matches. Right on cue it began to rain and Cyborg found that all he had with him was a nickel and a piece of ABC gum.

Robin finally managed to pull off his gag, demanded to be removed from the boot of the car and untied, and then vowed never to speak to Cyborg again.

Yes, in his excitement about his camping adventure, the only thing Cyborg had actually packed into the car was Robin, who, having initially refused to go on the adventure, soon discovered that Cyborg hadn't actually been _asking_.

Regardless, they went home again and strangely enough, "camping" was never mentioned within the giant "T" again.

But the pizza place was on speed dial, so all in all they all lived happily ever after.

The End


	19. TaranTEENo

ZOMG, I totally forgot to update yesterday...! I suck. I'm sorry. Regardless, this is just another fanfic-shift, from a one-shot format into the _Comedy Club_.

**WARNING: **There is an _extreme_ amount of obscene language in this chapter. Do NOT say that I didn't warn you. If you're offended by swearing, then I suggest you skip this chapter and just read tomorrow's...

TaranTEENo

It was ironic, really, that the day began like any other. The sun rose in the East behind Titans Tower and settled, for now, low in the sky. Although cool right now, it promised to be another scorching day in Jump City. Inside the Tower, Cyborg and Beast Boy fought over video games, disrupting the serene quietness associated with morning.

They didn't pause when Starfire came into the Operations Center and crossed to the back of the couch, eyeing them in puzzlement; didn't stop when she took a packet of cigarettes and a lighter from where she had them tucked beneath her skirt and lit herself up one. She leaned over the back of the couch languidly, her green eyes hooded, the cigarette barely held between two lazy fingers.

They didn't halt when Robin walked into the Operations Center a few moments later and went to the fridge across the other side; he helped himself a piece of cold chicken and walked away to make himself a coffee, chewing on it.

He passed Raven, who sat at the table, her nose in a book. The book was flimsy, with pulpy paper, an odd-looking print job, and overall looked as though she had found it discarded at the bus stop.

She probably _had_.

"Reading that motherfucking junk again?" He asked her nonchalantly, leaning against the sideboard and fishing his own cigarettes out of his utility belt.

"It's called pulp fiction." She turned the page of her scuzzy book without looking at him.

"Don't give a fuck…"

"Then why'd you _ask_?"

He shrugged and sucked on his cigarette; and needlessly muttered "motherfuck" when the coffee machine gave off its familiar shrill sound.

Still Raven ignored him. She was used to his muttered filthy profanities by now.

Maybe it was because he was the leader, but _Robin_ was definitely the _worst_.

For example…

Beast Boy and Cyborg's screeching argument – watched by Starfire, who was more interested in her own cigarette than the other expletives being screamed so close to her ears – began to grate on his nerves. Little by little…

…until he pulled out his gun and fired it at the ceiling. The thundering _BLAM_ – a sound they were used to by now – was accompanied by his psychotic screeching of; "SHUT THE FUCK _UP_, YOU FUCKING _MOTHERFUCKERS_!".

Although they were used to this spontaneous abuse, it nevertheless halted them all in their tracks; Beast Boy and Cyborg stopped murdering each other, and Starfire and even Raven turned to look in Robin's direction.

"Motherfucking _bitch_," Beast Boy muttered, the profanity aimed at the unhearing leader.

Robin moved the gun to each of them in turn; noticing their bored expressions.

"I should execute every last motherfucking _one_ of you so you can't piss me off no more!" He spat mirthfully.

"Fuck off, man," Cyborg muttered.

"Yeah, just who the fuck would you threaten and scream swearwords at _then_?" Beast Boy put in.

Robin clicked the safety catch on his gun and put it away and stuffed the last of his chicken into his mouth. The black coffee he had made lay untouched.

"We should all go out for the pizza," Starfire suggested, flicking some ash over her shoulder onto the seat of the couch.

"Why, so you can order another motherfucking $5 milkshake?" Cyborg spat at her.

Starfire turned to him lazily.

"It just feels right…"

"It's 9:00am," Raven put in from behind her pulp book. "_Pizza_ at 9:00am?"

"Look, we don't _write_ this fucking thing," Cyborg pointed out irritably. "Just get in the motherfucking car…"

Robin swallowed and nodded.

"Fuck, yeah, sure… I want something with melted fucking _cheese_ on it…"

"_Cheese_?" Beast Boy sounded disgusted. "Fucking _cheese_? How the fuck can you even _want_ to eat that stuff? It's _abuse_ of animal products!"

The gun came out again, passing before Beast Boy's nose as Robin swanned past him, smirking.

"BB?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut the fuck _up_…"

**TT**

The gun was blazing again.

WHAT THE FUCK IS _THIS_?" Robin screamed, sending a bullet through the sun umbrella over their table.

"The menu," Cyborg replied witheringly. "Jeez, man, you fuckin' _retarded_?"

"The _menu_ is fucking retarded!" Robin spat in reply. "Fucking _PIZZA_? I wanna damn _quarterpounder_ with fucking _cheese_!"

"We're at the fucking _pizza_ joint, bitch," Beast Boy muttered. "Deal…"

"You know, in Europe, they don't call 'em "quarterpounders with cheese"," Cyborg told them.

"What do they call it?" Starfire asked, the innocent tone of her voice tarnished her visible ritual of carefully opening a small foil package.

"They call it a "_Royale_ with cheese"," Cyborg finished smugly.

"_A Royale with cheese_?" Robin repeated. "What the fuck kinda name for a cheeseburger is _that_?"

"No damn stupider than fucking _Robin_, is it?" Cyborg challenged him. "What the fuck kinda name is _Robin_?"

"The motherfucking kind."

Raven rolled her eyes behind her book.

A little white powder spilled from Starfire's little foil package onto the table; Robin saw it and whirled the gun, shooting the whole thing across the balcony of the pizza-shaped restaurant; Starfire gave a small gasp.

"I've _told_ you and _told_ you not to do that shit!" He screamed at her. "Fucking cocaine… you wanna wind up dead, you keep on doing it; it won't be the fucking _drug_ that kills you – it'll be _me_!"

Raven looked up from her book and then looked down again with fierce determination.

"Robin, why can't you just use a fucking _Bo_ _staff_ no more, you little motherfucker?" Cyborg asked him wearily. "What's with the fuckin' _gun_ all the freakin' _time_?"

"'Cause you can't fuck some fucker up with a fucking Bo staff, you fuck!" Robin screeched hysterically, firing upwards again.

A bird hit the sidewalk below. The Boy Delinquent whooped and fired upwards again, but didn't manage to hit anything else – only succeeded in blowing another hole in the umbrella.

"That's not true, dude," Beast Boy replied. "I seen you fuck plenty of fuckers up with your staff…"

Starfire, who had recovered from being shot at by Robin the Boy Deviant, drew attention to herself again by slamming her hand down on the table.

"I demand, friends, that we order something, or _I'll_ fuck _all_ of _you_ fuckers up!" She shrieked.

"Fine, fine," Cyborg muttered. "One All-Meat Experience, one Vega-_fucking_-tarian Feast for salad-head… Star? Raven? Robin? What you guys having?"

"_A fucking Royale with cheese!_" Robin screamed. "I wanna motherfucking _cheeseburger_!"

"I don't think cheeseburgers are good for you, man," Cyborg pointed out. "Last time you had one you shot someone in the face in the back of the T-car…"

"It was a fucking _accident_…"

"…And _then_ it made you ill so you puked it back up anyway…"

"What's your fucking _point_, motherfuck?"

"You can't fucking _have_ one!"

"They only sell pizza here, Robin," Raven muttered. "No cheeseburgers…"

Robin smirked and cocked his gun.

"We'll have to motherfucking _see_ about that…"

"Wait!"

Suddenly Beast Boy was in his path, pointing across the street at the bank, where the unsuspecting Dr. Light was busy pulling a heist.

"What do you see, Robin?" Starfire asked from behind the Boy Delinquent.

Robin's grin practically cracked his face in half.

"I see some motherfucking bitch been fucked up like a motherfucker!" He said happily, raising his gun above his head.

"But Robin, the Dr. Light is in perfectly good health…"

His grin _somehow_ widened further.

"Something that will be remedied right about now," he murmured. "C'mon, you motherfucking fuckers! _Go_!"

Robin leapt over the balcony, his gun mouthing off as usual, and was closely followed by Starfire, Cyborg and Beast Boy, all muttering profanities of their own.

Dr. Light wouldn't know what had motherfucking _hit_ him.

Raven wearily shut her book and placed it on the table; then levitated and followed them jadedly.

She was beginning to realize that the deal Warner Bros. had made maybe hadn't been such a good idea after all.

Yes, the _small catch_ of the show's production and direction being handed over to Quentin Tarantino had _seemed_ like a small price to pay for the continuation of the show into a desperately-desired-by-fans Sixth Season…

…but a _small_ price it _wasn't_.

It motherfucking wasn't.

END


	20. Teen Titan Pregnancy

Okay, okay, enough with the lame-ass moving of already-existing oneshots. Here we are, with a brand new chapter. This is actually amusing to me since my deadly serious fic, _Remember the Titans_, deals with pregnancy (Raven, in fact).

So remember kids, I'm also ripping the hell out of myself!

Happy 4th July, dudes! Not that we have it here...

Teen (Titan) Pregnancy

"So, wait," said Cyborg with a deep sigh. "You guys are saying that despite the fact that you are all old and responsible enough to live without any adult supervision and save the world and such, and despite the fact that we have free cable which has both _Playboy TV_ and a million other channels that show adverts for Trojan condoms, and despite the fact that we _personally_ went to Jump City Elementary School's Eighth Grade class at the request of the principal to explain all about the birds and the bees after the kids locked the real teacher in the stock cupboard… You guys are saying that _despite all of this_, you _still_ had wild, passionate, unprotected sex, resulting in both female members of our team getting pregnant?!"

"Yes," said Beast Boy.

"That sounds about right," agreed Robin.

"Yeah, well I'm _especially_ disappointed in you," Cyborg snapped at Robin. "You're clueless about safe sex even though you've been around for – count them – 67 years; I am quite sure there were Bat-condoms during the 60s at the height of Batmania; and despite the fact that you have knocked up Starfire _proves_ that you aren't gay, you're _still_ wearing those tights."

"Wait a minute!" Raven protested. "Robin is the father of _my_ child!"

"Oh, no, Raven, you are surely mistaken!" Starfire replied. "He is most certainly the father of _my_ child!"

"Well, hey, I can multi-task," said Robin.

"Hey!" Beast Boy whined. "That is like soooooooooo unfair! How come I don't get a hot preggo chick?!1!

"Welcome to my world," Cyborg muttered.

"I'm sorry, Beast Boy," Raven said apologetically. "Statistically, fanfictionDOTnet is divided between romance fics where I am with you and romance fics where I am with Robin, and, by ratio, most of the ones with you in are pointless fluff, while the ones with Robin are darker, more serious fics exploring death, death, pregnancy or death."

"Sometimes all four," Robin put in cheerfully.

"Aren't there _any_?!" Beast Boy wailed.

Raven shrugged

"Eh. One or two. Probably."

Suddenly Terra came crashing through the wall.

"Beast Boy!" She cried. "_I_ am pregnant with your child!"

"That's impossible, Terra," Beast Boy told her regretfully.

"Why?" Terra pouted. "Because I betrayed you to your enemy, meaning that you could never sleep with me, knowing that you were touching the body of one who once wished you dead, to the extent that she Photoshopped pictures of you and Raven together and posted them up on the _RobinxRaven Forever Online Shrine _in the knowledge that all the RxR ubër-fans would hunt you down and rib your limbs off; or is it because we never actually got to third base, since Slade interrupted us in the throes of our budding teenage romance, just as we were about to lock lips at the top of the Ferris Wheel while the fireworks exploded all around us, as though to represent the tumultuous nature of the relationship that could simply never be; or is it because—"

"Terra," Beast Boy interrupted her, "you're a _statue_. And I admit to dry humping you once or twice, but let's not get carried away with ourselves here."

Terra sobbed and fled, crushed.

She did all three just as well as a statue could, and they all learned something deep and profound that day.

…Or not.

* * *

"Okay," said Cyborg later that day. "The father/s of the children aren't important. Let's just go through the regular motions." 

"The part where we **totally ignore** the fact that even _one_ baby would completely upthrow the entire balance of team dynamics that we have worked so hard to create during our years together as the Teen Titans, and would wreck our sleeping patterns by keeping us all up all night by crying, meaning that we would all be over-tired, which would in turn affect our crime-fighting, meaning that more criminals would escape, meaning that a spike in the crime levels would appear, meaning that we would have more work to get in, meaning we would have to hire a nanny, and then we would have to find out whether or not she has a flying umbrella, and then there would probably be an argument because the mother/s are irritated and upset that they not with their babies enough, and then there's also the potential risk of the press finding out due to the fact that we are something of celebrities in Jump City, meaning that it would be all over the newspapers, which would not only give us a derogatory image but also make it a public announcement, meaning that criminals would find out and probably kidnap one or both of the babies, leading us all to worry and distraction and more arguments, slowly but surely driving us all apart so that we all begin to hate and resent each other and can no longer function correctly as a team?" Robin asked, stopping to draw breath.

"Exactly," said Cyborg.

* * *

"Raven, what are we doing?" Starfire asked, picking up a tub of ice cream while watching her pregnant friend spreading marshmallow cream on twenty-seven slices of toast. 

"Pigging out," Raven replied. "We can, you see. We're pregnant."

"Oh." Starfire shoved her face into the ice cream tub; then surfaced again. "Why?"

Raven shrugged.

"Who knows? It's like some kind of unwritten rule of pregnancy or something."

"No, I mean," Starfire said, squirting mustard onto her ice cream, "why is this scene necessary?"

Raven shrugged again.

"Who knows? It's like some kind of unwritten rule of pregnancy fanfiction or something."

* * *

"And this one?" Starfire asked while she and Raven shopped for maternity wear and baby things at the mall. 

"That pink frilly maternity dress that looks like a gay clown's holiday tent?" Raven replied humorlessly.

No, it… it really _was_ humorless…

"No," Starfire said, putting the ugly pink dress into her basket. "I mean this scene, where we shop for maternity wear and baby things at the mall."

"I don't know," Raven replied honestly, "but I'm _dying_ inside…"

* * *

"…And now that the intensely detailed, four-chapter-long birth scenes, mostly consisting of "PUSH!!!!111111!", are over," said Cyborg with relief, "guess we just gotta name the suckers." 

"Okay," agreed Robin, "but first I want to know why they both have "Property of the _Mary-Sue_ _Future Kids of the Teen Titans, Inc_" stamped on their butts."

"Look, I'm tired," snapped Raven. "Just give me my baby so I can be OOC all over it."

"And I desire to have my baby too," said Starfire, "as I am also tired, but wish to be sickeningly motherly all over it, reflecting my sweet and caring nature, and also the fact that I treat a worm like a child."

The babies were handed over and there were another three chapters detailing how Raven and Starfire bonded with their tiny new offspring in a very fluffy way.

Or something.

"You got names?" Cyborg asked three chapters later. 

"I have," said Robin. He pointed first at Raven's daughter, then at Starfire's.

Funny how they were both daughters.

"That one is Dove," he declared, "and that one is Nightfire."

"Why?" Raven asked scathingly, cradling Dove.

"Because I said, that's why."

"Man _powah_," said Cyborg.

And they all lived happily ever after.

* * *

…Untiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil… 

Beast Boy, in a jealous rage, sold Dove and Nightfire on eBay.

Just then, Raven came into the room.

"Beast Boy," she said, "I don't know how it happened, but I'm pregnant again, and it's your baby this time."

"Sweet!!11!" Beast Boy cheered. "I have something to confess though, and you'll hate me for it."

"Yeah?"

"I-I sold Dove on eBay."

"To who?"

"I don't know. His username is apprenticehunter69. He bought Nightfire too. I gave him a two-for-one deal."

"Oh." Raven shrugged. "Okay. Whatever."

"You don't mind?"

"Beast Boy," said Raven, "to slip back into my true character for one wonderful, non-mutilated-by-fandom moment… _I hate babies._"


	21. Plagiarism

Today: _Legion of Superheroes_. God, I loathe that show... :(

Plagiarism

"Oh man, we are _so original_!" Declared Cyborg one day. "I mean, really. Look at us. We are so _dayamn_ original."

"Hmmmmmmmm," said everyone else, not agreeing.

"What's up, y'all?" Cyborg asked.

"Well, precisely that, Cyborg," said Raven. "You just said "y'all", typical urban African-American lingo, as is just about everything else you say."

"I guess we gotta face it," Beast Boy sighed. "We're all total stereotypes. I'm the youngest one, and the practical joker."

"Not that your jokes are funny," Raven replied scathingly. "There, you see," she went on, sounding almost apologetic. "I couldn't help doing that. I'm the anti-social goth-type chick who puts everyone down to hide my pain, or… something."

"I'm the cool leader guy," said Robin, preening. "Also the team hottie with the best hair. And I have a catchphrase."

"Uh… I suppose that I am the naïve and sweet girlie-girl," Starfire said.

Raven gave a cough that sounded remarkably like "bimbo". _Remarkably_.

"I also stand in for the notion of the "foreign exchange student"," Starfire went on obliviously. "Thus much humor can be procured from my crazy and hilarious antics."

"And where does that leave me?" Cyborg wailed.

"Token black guy," everyone said together. "Duh."

"Well, gee, _y'all_," Cyborg said flatly, with emphasis, "thanks for pointing that out."

"Racist," Beast Boy noted.

"But true," Raven finished.

There was silence for a while; and then Cyborg, determined not to give up, suddenly said:

"Okay, well… this _team_ is original," he said pointedly. "Take a bunch of totally different superheroes and shove them altogether and—"

"No," said Robin, scratching his hair. "I recall _Justice League_ coming way before _Teen Titans_. In fact, I think we knocked them off their _Miguzi_ slot…"

Cyborg pouted.

"Well, how about the notion of watching a group of people trying not to kill each other as they try to live together in one big house—"

"_Big Brother_," Beast Boy put in.

"Anime-influenced Western animation?" Cyborg tried.

"Much as it pains me to say this," Raven said with a twitch and a grimace, "_Totally Spies_ predates us by two whole years."

"Ah!" Starfire cried. "But I see what Cyborg is saying! When you put all of those elements together, we _are_ truly unique!"

Everyone smiled and nodded, until—

"NOT ANYMORE!!!111!" Cried a voice.

The Teen Titans all turned and looked at a bunch of other anime-inspired Western animated teenaged superhero characters, formulated into a team and led by a decades-old and highly recognizable pop culture figure.

Which was _their_ formula.

But this wasn't them. Obviously. Because that wouldn't have made any sense, unless they were looking a mirror, which they weren't, or we can at least assume they weren't, because there was no narrative indication given as such, but—

Anyway, the Titans knew in an instant who this new crew were; and they all suddenly became angry, for they suspected that it was the development of _this_ show (which, FYI, was a direct rip-off of their _own_ show) had led to the cancellation of Season Six.

A boy in red and blue… oh, who are we kidding?! It was SUPERMAN. Or SUPERBOY. Or WHATEVER. It was Superman in kid form from the past and brought to the future to save the world or some crap like that.

"I'm SUPERMAN/BOY!!111!" Said SUPERMAN/BOY. "We are the Legion of Superheroes. Here to protect the universe, that is if we don't kill each other first!"

"Hey!" Beast Boy cried indignantly. "That's _our_ slogan!"

"Actually, Beast Boy," Robin corrected, "our slogan differs between "Truth, Justice, Pizza", and… uh, something that sounds very similar to what SUPERMAN/BOY over there just said, but not word for word."

SUPERMAN/BOY flew over to Robin and backslapped him across the face.

"Shut up, bitch!" He said. "I precede even _you_ by four entire years! Whatcha got on 1936, by-otch? _Nothin'_, that's what! And I got laser eyes! LASER EYES!!!!111111!"

"Yeah," said Robin, backslapping SUPERMAN/BOY right back. "But I got a better team than you, bitch!"

"Have _not_!"

"Have _too_!"

SUPERMAN/BOY paused for a moment, then gestured to his team.

"My team totally kicks your team's a$$!" He declared. "Behold, Planet Girl! She's the hot one."

Robin pointed at Starfire.

"Got one of those. And she's better stacked than 'Planet Girl'."

SUPERMAN/BOY pointed at the floating girl with long black hair.

"Creepy goth chick!"

"Got one. And again, I point out, she OWNS your creepy goth chick's a$$!"

"Green kid?!" SUPERMAN/BOY asked desperately.

Robin pointed wordlessly at Beast Boy.

"And, to nail you," Robin finished haughtily, going in for the kill, "we have a token black guy! Beat _that_, SUPERMAN/BOY!"

"This is not over!" SUPERMAN/BOY raged. "We challenge you to see who is the better anime-influenced Western teenaged superhero cartoon!"

The rest of the Legion (who were not named because quite honestly I don't know what they are all called, nor do I care enough to go and look it up on Wikipedia) all nodded in agreement.

"Yeah!" They all said.

"Hey hey hey!" Someone suddenly said. It was a referee, and he blew his whistle on the two teams. "You can't just start fighting. There's a queue!"

"A queue for what?" Robin demanded.

"Plagiarism disputes, of course!" Cried the referee. "There's a list. You'll just have to join it!"

"Who else is on the list?" Raven asked, not that she was really very interested.

"Well, we got _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ complaining against _Charmed_, a Japanese animation company complaining against Disney – something about _The Lion King_, I think – _Pokémon_ against _Digimon_, everything else in the entire fictional world against _Harry Potter_ and, most importantly, _The Simpsons_ against _Family Guy_."

"Okay, sign us up!" Said Robin and SUPERMAN/BOY.

SUDDENLY…

Cyborg woke up and realized that it had all been a dream!

"Wow," he said. "That was a ridiculously lame cop-out. Not as ridiculous as the idea that WB would cancel our show to replace it with an identical show, but with SUPERMAN/BOY in it instead of Robin, though."

He laughed crazily.

"But even _they're_ not _that_ retarded!"

Then he said "Booyah" and some other token black guy things and went back to sleep.

**The End**


	22. The Dark Knight Returns

Sorry. I forgot to update again! Well, only two chapters left after this, dude!

The Dark Knight Returns (with all due respect to Frank Miller…)

"Okay," said Cyborg, "I know he's your partner and all, Robin, but… what's he doing in our tower?"

"I don't know," Robin replied. "Did _anyone_ see how he got in?"

"Wait, you _didn't_ let him in here?"

Robin shook his head.

"Why on _Earth_ would I let _him_ in?"

Cyborg shrugged,

"Well, I just… you know, assumed…"

"Hey, why are you guys peering around the doorframe…?" Beast Boy trailed off. "Okay, better question. What is _Batman_ doing on our couch?"

"Watching our free cable," Cyborg added.

"And eating our chicken wings," Robin finished.

"Well, get rid of him!" Cyborg snapped, prodding Robin repeatedly.

"Ouch! Hey!" Robin protested, slapping him away. "Why should _I_ do it?!"

"Because he's _your_ partner, duh!"

"Heh, "partner". That sounds _so_ gay…" Beast Boy snickered.

"_Ex_-partner," Robin growled.

"That sounds even _more_ gay," Cyborg noted, kicking Robin into the front room. "Now go tell him to hit the road!"

"So. Batman. Hi," Robin said after picking himself up and standing himself next to the couch.

"Yo."

"How you doing?"

"Fine."

"Cool. Uh… why are you in our house?"

Batman shrugged.

"68 years in a cave under my mansion," he said. "Fancied a change of scenery."

"Well… could you get out, please?"

"Nah, I like it here." Batman passed Robin the empty cardboard chicken wing bucket. "Hey, you got any ice-cream?"

* * *

"Team meeting," said Robin, looking around at the other four Titans. "Okay, he's been here for _three months_, and we've tried _everything_ to get rid of him." 

"I called in Pest Control," said Cyborg.

"I called in the Ghostbusters," said Beast Boy.

"I tried scaring him away by using my telekinesis to fake a "poltergeist" wherever he went in the tower," said Raven. "And I ate the last of the _Phish Food Ben and Jerry's_, hoping he'd clear off when he realized there was none left," she added regretfully. "But it didn't work."

"I have tried the braiding of the hair and the painting of the toenails and the feeding to him of various Tamaranean delicacies and the putting of Silkie into his bed, but still he remains here," said Starfire.

"And I've tried being nice to him, being horrible to him, offering him a place on the team, telling him to get the hell out, being all over him, ignoring him completely, telling him how nice it is to see him, telling him I never want to see him again, hitting on him, threatening to burn all his clothes because he broke my heart, and every other juxtaposing action I can think of," said Robin. "And yet…"

"He's still here," everyone chorused.

At that moment Batman walked into the kitchen, rummaged around in the fridge, found half a liter of Coca-Cola, a slice of cake and some strange and terrifying Tamaranean dish that growled when he opened the fridge door, and made off with the lot.

"_Sponge_," Robin muttered.

* * *

"Okay, well, now that Batman has pretty much taken up permanent residence in the front room in front of _our_ TV," Cyborg grumbled, "I guess we'll just have to make our own entertainment." 

"Shouldn't we be out fighting crime?" Raven asked, looking up at the monitors connected to the areas that were placed in key areas of Jump City; they showed a variety of villains out committing a variety of fairly-obvious crime sprees.

And the Amazing Mumbo dancing in his underwear on top of the fountain in front of City Hall, for some odd reason.

The Mayor did not look pleased.

"Nuts to that," said Cyborg happily. He held up an empty bottle. "Who's up for _Spin the Bottle_?"

"Yay!" Cried everyone; because despite the fact that their tower was jam-packed with the latest technological whiz and whatnot, they were still highly entertained by an empty plastic Coke bottle.

"Obviously it will be the version where we all take a layer of our clothes off every time we refuse to answer a truth or do a dare," Cyborg went on smugly. "That's the only reason people write fics with _Spin the Bottle_ in them; so everybody gets naked and finds true love or whatever."

"But you don't _wear_ any clothes!" Beast Boy protested.

"I know." Cyborg grinned. "This is always _way_ more fun for me than it is for everyone else…"

—

"Okay, Robin," Cyborg sighed. "As usual, you're the last one standing because you have the unfair advantage of a mask. But I'll give you a choice, since you're down to your boxers anyway; you either admit that Fredric Wertham wasn't completely bonkers when he accused Batman of having it off with you in the 1950s, or you wear your underwear on your head for the next hour. Refusal to do either obviously also results in you having to remove your underwear, since it's the last item of clothing you are wearing. You can't pass on your turn, since everyone else is already naked."

Raven scowled, covering herself up with a magazine, while Starfire giggled and made no effort to cover herself up at all. Beast Boy was conveniently only seen on screen from the waist up.

"I boycott both challenges," Robin sighed, taking off his boxers. "Right, now we're _all_ naked except Cyborg, who always instigates this game, for some reason…"

Cyborg snickered to himself, hiding the hidden camera on his arm behind his back.

Well, the fangirls and boys needed their fix…

Batman suddenly walked in, a bowl of Smarties in his hands; he promptly dropped the bowl, which shattered all over the floor, as he saw the four naked teenagers blinking back at him.

"You meanies!" The Dark Knight wailed after a loooooooooooong pause. "Why didn't you invite _me_ to play?!"

He stormed out of the kitchen and right out of the tower itself, slamming the door.

"I do not think he is coming back," Starfire observed as they all went to the window, still buck-naked.

Except Cyborg, who was really getting some excellent shots here…

"Wow," said Robin, as they watched Batman hail a taxi. "Guess we should have just done this at the start."

"Gotten naked?" Raven asked blandly.

"No, been childish and not let him play," replied Robin. "And yes, I suppose, to a second degree, getting naked."

"So I guess this scenario ties with that crack episode _Employee of the Month_ for weirdest thing on _Teen Titans_ ever?" Beast Boy asked.

"No, as weird as that episode was," Robin said, "I don't think _anything_ could possibly be as weird as _this_…"

* * *

"…Except for _this_," he finished a few months later as he opened up the brown envelope that had come in the mail to find the _Official Naked Erotica Teen Titans Wall Calendar (endorsed by Frank Miller)_ inside. 

Raven tutted to herself as Robin stamped on it repeatedly, as though he thought that would make it go away.

Cyborg edged very quietly out of the kitchen.


	23. Season One

Agh. I have been Disney-fied. I didn't update because I've been in Disneyland Paris for like five days...

Five days of bright colours, sugar-saturated snacks and wearing a Sleeping Beauty tiara..

o.O

This is the penultimate chapter, krew! So sad!!11!

Season One (guest-starring George Clooney, Paris Hilton and Wintergreen)

"Well, well, well," said Robin. "Our first season. You know, this must be the first time ever that Batman isn't cramping my style."

"Robin," said Raven scathingly, "this is the first time you have ever _had_ style, and you can thank Glen Murakami for that. You might not have ever been cool before, but Joel Schumacher _certainly_ didn't do you any favors. Also, Chris O'Donnell, in his rubber-nippled Robin costume, appeared on the cover of some gay magazine not once, but _twice_."

"It's okay, though," Cyborg added. "I think George Clooney kind of distracted everyone anyway."

"Friends, please," Starfire said, "the George Clooney is some kind of beverage?"

"And on that ridiculous note," said Cyborg, "I guess it's time to establish ourselves!"

"We did that last chapter," Raven reminded him. "We're all stereotypes. Sad, sad truth."

"Isn't it interesting," Beast Boy observed, "that this chapter comes at almost the very _end_ of this insane mind-fuck-fest that miraculously passes for a fanfiction? Rather like _Go_, actually."

"And on _that_ note," said Robin, socking his fist into his palm in a way that was reminiscent of Burt Ward, "Cinderblock is getting away! Ground rules for this season and every season that comes afterwards; we all fight and such when I say "Titans, go!"."

"What happens when you aren't around to say it?" Cyborg asked. "Don't ask why, but I have a strange suspicion that you will develop a habit of disappearing for large portions of episodes, usually down a drain, so what should we do then?"

"Naturally, without me to yell "Titans, go!", you will all fall apart and mutter about how much you wish I was there, instead of doing the sensible thing, which would be to blast the villain into oblivion with your powers," Robin replied.

"RAAAARG!!!1111!!!!" Bellowed Cinderblock, which was his way of saying "Shaddap you' face!". Probably.

"Cinderblock!" Robin cried. "I don't know how we know your name, because you can't speak, nor do you wear a name-tag, but let it be known that we are Teen Titans, and we are going to PWN you, because we're the GOOD GUYS and stuff!!!"

"RAAAARG!!!1111!!!!" Bellowed Cinderblock, which was his way of saying "Yada yada". Probably.

They all charged at one another, and there was this random silhouette thing which like expressed the experimental element of the pilot episode; proving that they weren't _just_ ripping off anime.

And then there was a battle, which had some pretty dire animation; and then Cinderblock escaped and kidnapped some guy in a tube who was actually series producer David Slack in animated form (it really is, actually!); and then Robin and Cyborg had a bitchfight; and then Slade was in it…

…As was some old guy who made tea at lot, who everyone assumes is some bizarre form of Wintergreen.

"This bites," said Wintergreen. "I only get to be in one episode, in which I make tea and have no lines whatsoever; and then I just disappear like I was never even in the series at all!"

"Well, duh," said Slade. "You totally cramp my style. Anyway, I wear a mask. How am I even supposed to _drink_ any of the tea you make?"

"Straw?" Wintergreen asked hopefully.

Slade shook his head.

"Sorry. Your ass is fired."

* * *

"Does anyone else get the feeling we're going to be seeing a LOT more of her in future?" Cyborg groaned the first time Jinx appeared. 

"Oh, absolutely," Robin agreed. "I heard she's a stripper at a nightclub downtown."

"That's not what I meant," Cyborg groaned.

"Well, it's true," Robin said defensively. "She's got to make a living somehow. I mean, even MacDonald's aren't exactly going to take you on a HIVE Academy Graduation Diploma, now _are_ they?"

"You're crazy," Cyborg groaned.

"Stop groaning!" Robin snapped. "Our first season isn't _that_ bad!"

* * *

"…So, yeah," said Blackfire. "I guess I'm kind of a Sue; super powerful, stunningly beautiful and everyone loves me. It's also strange that despite the fact that I hate my little sister and think she's a weak, uncool little wimp who is inferior to me, I still wear my hair in exactly the same style as her and borrow her clothes." 

"_Whoa_, you're hot," drooled Beast Boy.

* * *

"Yayz!" Robin cried happily on first seeing Slade. "My very own arch-nemesis! Just what I've always wanted!" 

"Oh, great," Slade muttered as Robin started to violently yet passionately attack him. "A fanboy."

"I am not a fanboy!" Robin said indignantly. "I am your arch-nemesis!"

"You are fanatic, obsessive, rabid and altogether rather terrifying in your quest to prove that no-one cares more about my existence than you do," Slade told him coolly. "All key characteristics of a fanboy. Why don't you go back to your cons and stop bothering me?"

"I AM YOUR ARCH-NEMESIS!1111!!" Robin screeched.

Slade sighed; it was going to be a long five seasons…

* * *

"Gee," said Raven. "Do you think we've stopped pretending this is a Japanese cartoon yet?" 

"Gomen?" Beast Boy inquired; Raven shot him a poisonous look.

"Spare me, please. What with a starting sequence sung by a Japanese pop band, often replaced by an alternate Japanese version, alongside the theft of "sight gags" popularized by the likes of _Ranma 1/2_ and other pained attempts to appear Japanese, like the red neon sign displaying Japanese _kanji_ behind the silhouetted fight scene between Robin and Slade in _Masks_, or even Slade's disguise in _Forces of Nature_… Beast Boy, the last thing I need is you spouting Japanese. I mean, we are originally DC superheroes from the biggest-selling superhero comic of the 1980s. This cartoon is so painfully obviously American it really is… well, rather painful, actually."

"Don't forget that Robin is like some kind of animated Bruce Lee now," Beast Boy pointed out. "And don't worry; we still have the delights of _Trouble in Tokyo_ to come, where we'll be stalked by some guy dressed like Inspector Zenigata from _Lupin III_ while observing several other obscure anime references."

"_Bakamono_," Raven muttered darkly.

* * *

"…And as the presenter of this award," said George Clooney, "it gives me great pleasure to announce that the 'Award for the Most Pointless and Boring Episode of the First Season of _Teen Titans_' goes to… _Deep Six_!" 

"Oh, it's true," Cyborg groaned. "It was such a suck-ass episode…"

Aqualad went up to collect the award; and, despite the fact that everyone _likes_ George Clooney despite the number of terrible films he has been in, hit him over the head with it.

Which made Robin happy, anyway.

* * *

"Whoa," Beast Boy said as Trigon roared and attempted to stomp them into paste. "_Foreshadowing!_"

* * *

"…So I suggest we make a club for 'Lame Villains Who Got Their Debut in Season One'," said Mumbo Jumbo. 

Which, incidentally, was wrong, since he was officially introduced as The _Amazing_ Mumbo, and _said_ "Mumbo Jumbo", but… hey. This was fanfictionDOTnet; home of numerous "Kori"s, "Richard"s, Mary Sues, Gender Benders, crossovers, everythingelsewehavemadefunoverthecourseofthispiss-takingparodyfanfiction…

"Splendid idea, old chap, what-what!" Agreed Mad Mod.

"Ugh, _British_ _stereotypes_," muttered Doctor Light. "There's one in every show…"

"At least you're not modeled after horror actor Peter Lorre," the Puppet King (modeled after horror actor Peter Lorre) lamented.

That's _horror_ actor, not _horrible_ actor. I hear he was actually rather nice in person, incidentally.

"I am superior!" Trident cawed.

"Can I join?" Wintergreen asked.

The Lame Villains of Season One scrutinized him.

"No," they all said. "Even _we're_ not as lame as you."

"Meanies," said Wintergreen.

* * *

"So what do we do?" Raven asked. "You know, since we all figured it out within like two seconds that Red X is actually Robin in disguise." 

"Pretty obvious," agreed Beast Boy.

"He's such a bad actor," said Cyborg. "We _could_ just blame Scott Menville for always sounding pretty much the same in everything he acts in (for evidence of this, check out the GameCube game _Tales of Symphonia_, the dubbed anime series _Ninja Scroll_, the _Justice League_ two-parter _Wild Cards_ and the Playstation 2 game _Shadow of Rome_), but to be honest, when we did that porn tape, Robin was _so_ obviously faking it…"

"Yeah, even the YouTube spammers commented on that, actually," Raven observed. "You know, after they said 'Copy and paste this into 50 videos and you will meet your true love before Friday. If not, you will die a horrible death. P.S: Your mom was good last night'."

"Well, he seems to be having fun," Cyborg said. "Maybe we should just let him think he's stringing us along. It would be a shame to ruin his little game."

Suddenly Starfire burst into the room.

"Friends!" She cried. "I have discovered something terrible in Robin's room! It is _he_ who is the Red X!"

"We know, Star," said Cyborg. "Here, come and have some coffee."

"But he has vanished!" Starfire cried. "Should we not attempt to go after him and save him?"

"Yeah, we will," Cyborg replied. "In a minute. Which means like, an hour or five."

"Very well," Starfire sighed. "Let us pass the time by looking at the other terrible thing I found in Robin's room."

"_Horny Homosexual Monthly_ with free leather thong?" Raven asked blandly.

"Worse," Starfire replied darkly, holding up the offending issue of _Tatler_.

"_There is no God_," Cyborg whispered hoarsely.

* * *

"Soooooooo…" Robin leaned over the arm of Slade's chair after slinking over in his new apprentice outfit; the madman was playing on a 1980s handheld pinball game. "Are you gonna, like, have your way with me now?" 

"What?" Slade looked at him sidelong.

"You know," Robin said lustily, drawing patterns on the arm of the chair with his finger, "throw me down on the floor, possibly bind and gag me, rip off all my clothes despite my tearful pleas for you to stop, and then take me…?"

"Ew! No!" Slade cried, dropping his pinball game. "Agh! Nooooooo! My high score! _Dammit_, Robin!"

"Oooh!" Robin squealed. "Are you going to punish me?"

"Yes," Slade hissed. "Very severely."

Robin clapped his hands together gleefully.

"No _Count Chocula_ cereal for a week!" Slade continued.

Robin gasped in horror.

"Oh, and because this is fanfiction, I'll probably rape you later, too," Slade went on nonchalantly.

Robin breathed a sigh of relief.

"Oh, good. You had me worried for a second there…"

* * *

"Well, it could have been worse," Robin mused. "Slade may have put killer probes in you guys, kidnapped and held me hostage, forced me to do his bidding at the threat that he would kill you all and make me watch, possibly raped me, at least according to _some_ fanfiction writers, and then most definitely beat the hell out of me; but at least he didn't turn out to be Paris Hilton in disguise." 

"And so ends our first season," said Raven. "Shame."

"Guys!" Cyborg cried. "I think we're in trouble! A newsflash was just on TV!"

"Was it a commercial for _Legion of Superheroes_?" Raven asked. "Because if it was, that was premature."

"No, worse!" Beast Boy said. "Paris Hilton is out of jail!"

"Oh, old news," said Robin.

"Yeah, but…"

Cyborg suddenly flipped on the TV, where a news bulletin was playing. A picture of Paris Hilton was in the corner on the screen.

"…And to the horror of the entire world," the newscaster said, shuffling his copy sheets nervously, "Paris Hilton has announced that after her spell in jail, she will be returning to acting. Despite the fact that her poorly-acted character died gruesomely in the first movie, Paris will returning in _House of Wax 2_, in theaters for the festive season. She has also just signed a $500,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 deal with Universal Studios, in conjunction with YouTube, to make two hundred other new-and-terribly-acted movies to be released in six-a-month bursts for the next twenty years…"

Starfire gasped.

"Season One may be over," said Robin seriously, "but the battle against evil-doers isn't. We've got to stop this madwoman!"

"Buy it now!" Cyborg said directly to the screen, suddenly morphing into Fourth-Wall-Shattering-Infomercial Mode. "Direct to DVD because Cartoon Network were too afraid of getting their asses sued by Hilton Enterprises, even though they're happy to show _Robot Chicken_, which portrayed Britney Spears as a trailer trash-inflected wrestler responsible for the assassination of all the members of NSync except for Joey Fatone, it's _Teen Titans, the Hidden Season: Robin and those Other Guys versus Paris Hilton and Her Quest for World Domination by Turning the Minds of the Public of the United States (and probably the rest of world) into Mush by Inundating Movie Theatres Worldwide with Badly-Acted Garbage Horror Flicks and Home-Made Porn Tapes That Made Their Innocent Way Onto YouTube._ Bonus material includes some crap little game, ten pointless featurettes which are basically Glen Murakami sitting in front of the screen saying about how much cooler he made Robin than Joel Schumacher did, and a no-bars-held fisticuff between Simon Cowell and Paris herself after she threw a Starbucks Frappuccino at him when he was brutally honest about what she laughably refers to as her 'talent', caught on some random guy's camera-phone."

"Titans, go!" Cried Robin…

…To find out what happens next, please order your copy of _Teen Titans, the Hidden Season: Robin and those Other Guys versus Paris Hilton and Her Quest for World Domination by Turning the Minds of the Public of the United States (and probably the rest of world) into Mush by Inundating Movie Theatres Worldwide with Badly-Acted Garbage Horror Flicks and Home-Made Porn Tapes That Made Their Innocent Way Onto YouTube _from **www. as-if. com**; also in stores nationwide on 31st September, 2007.

Word up.


	24. The Last Chapter

OMG, the title does not lie! This is it! This is really it! The final chapter of _Teen Titans: Comedy Club_!

Thankyou SO much to all who reviewed! And complained. And flamed.

Heh. Just kidding. Seriously. THANKYOU. :D

Please do enjoy:

The Last Chapter

"Whelp, we've come a long way," said Cyborg.

"Twenty-four chapters, to be exact," agreed Robin.

"Dude," said Beast Boy.

"Booyah," said Cyborg in response.

"Titans, go," said Robin, determined not to be outdone.

"Azarath Metrion Zinthos," said Raven, suddenly appearing out of nowhere and PWNing them.

Awed, the boys turned to Starfire, pleading her to avenge their defeat.

Starfire shrugged apologetically.

"I am sorry," she said. "I have no catchphrase. I also did not receive an arc of my own. I am always bypassed on everything. I am terribly unloved. I feel that I should rip some executives' heads off."

They were all silent for a while.

"So… last chapter," Raven observed finally.

"Yup," said Cyborg.

"I get the feeling RobinRocks ran out of ideas," said Beast Boy.

(AN: Totally true!!!1111!)

"Well," said Robin (un)sensibly, "how about we just recap everything that we've parodied in this parody of parodies?"

"Okay!!11!" Agreed everyone, expecting a witty and satirical paragraph-long recap of the events of this fic.

**TO BEGIN THE RECAP, PLEASE CLICK BACK TO CHAPTER ONE: **_**THE GODAWFUL TRUTH**_** AND START READING.**

Boy, were _they_ disappointed.

_Psych_.

When everyone got back to this point, the Teen Titans all looked at each other again.

"So… last chapter," said Beast Boy after a while.

"I swear, if anyone else says that, I will pry out their eyes with a spoon!!!11!eleven!" Declared Cyborg angrily.

Raven rolled her eyes.

"Oh, holy…" Robin socked his fist into his palm a few times irritably, searching for an appropriate word; then remembered that this wasn't the Sixties, and opted for "…_shit_."

"What is it, Robin?" Starfire asked.

"This chapter," Robin lamented. "It's dreadful. Devoid of direction, humor, and—"

"Slade," Raven supplied flatly.

"Yes," Robin agreed, looking at the floor and scuffing the toe of one boot embarrassedly. "And Slade."

"Well, up until now, we've found various other creative ways to amuse ourselves," Beast Boy pointed out, "from making porn tapes to playing _Strip Spin the Bottle _to… um, well, various other random things that would never happen on the show."

"But we can dream," Raven sighed, recalling that wonderful time in the mop closet with Father Anderson from _Hellsing_; even though Han Solo frozen in carbonite had been digging into her back.

"Might we please protest for me to have my own season arc?" Starfire asked, tearing the head off a Cartoon Network executive, making the others scream and flee for the hills.

"No, Starfire," Robin said gently. "Why would we want to do that? That's just silly."

"Why don't we go pop off all the people who have made cameos in this fic?" Cyborg suggested, already carving Paris Hilton's name into a bullet.

"Ooh, yeah, I have a list!" Beast Boy cried, pulling it out of his pocket. "Simon Cowell, George Clooney, Paris Hilton, those guys from _Ghostbusters_, all those other random cartoon, game and anime characters, Batman, Quentin Tarantino—"

"Uh, Quentin Tarantino wasn't actually _in_ this, per se," Robin interrupted nervously.

"Let's just kill him anyway," said Raven. "Seeing as I am teh PWN demon byotch and whatnot. But I have a better way of killing them all off."

She pulled out her Death Note.

"Okay, this is just getting weird now," Cyborg observed, throwing the gun away anyway.

Although we're not sure why he needed a gun in the first place, when he has a proton cannon built into his arm.

Raven ripped a page out of the killer notebook.

"See, what we'll do is manufacture some mini poison darts using a deadly poison found deep in the heart of the jungles of the Danube," she said, rolling up the sheet. "Now, it'll take seven months to mature into a concoction which will probably kill whoever we shoot with the darts, and then we'll roll up these sheets and hide behind a bush or other conveniently-placed piece of shrubbery and blow the darts at our enemies if and when they happen to walk past."

"Uh…" The other four looked around at each other.

"I think we've completely bypassed the plotline here, but sure, whatever," said Robin.

"Here, Beast Boy," said Raven, writing the green shape-shifter's name on the sheet and handing it to him. "This one can be yours. It's got your name on it so you know that it's your one."

"To be honest," said Cyborg as Beast Boy promptly clutched at his heart and keeled over, stone dead, "I think this is just making up for the fact that _Death Note_ didn't appear anywhere _else_ in this parody."

"Is that perhaps why some giant robots are fighting in the middle of the city?" Starfire inquired. "_Neon Genesis Evangelion_ was not mentioned either."

"Neither was _Indiana Jones_," said Cyborg, "which is probably why there is a giant boulder thundering towards us."

"And neither was—"

"Okay, just stop," said Robin. "Look, let's just dump Beast Boy's body. He'll be inexplicably back next chapter anyway, so… it hardly matters."

"But Robin," Cyborg said patiently, "there _aren't_ anymore chapters. Didn't you pay attention to the title? This is The Last Chapter."

"Oh, _hell_." Robin glared at Raven. "Couldn't you have done this earlier?!"

Raven promptly wrote his name into the notebook too.

"_Robin_ isn't my real name," Robin said smugly, not clutching at his heart and keeling over.

"Fine, then," Raven snapped, hitting him over the head with it instead.

"Okay, two of our team-members are dead," said Cyborg. "_Now_ what shall we do?"

"Actually, I'm not dead," said Robin from the ground. "She only hit me with a note—"

Cyborg stamped on him repeatedly.

"As I was _saying_," he reiterated loudly when he was done, "_two_ of our team-members are _dead_. _Now_ what shall we do?"

Raven shrugged.

"Something random and obscure, I guess."

"How about we get a van and wear hippy clothes and drive around solving mysteries?"

Starfire clapped her hands together.

"Oh, glorious," she said. "And we shall get a talking dog, and—"

"No need," said Cyborg with a grin. "Notice a pattern? Shaggy and Scooby go off by themselves; Fred stays with the two girls. Every. Single. Time. What do you think they're all doing while Shaggy and Scooby are running away from the butler in the Halloween mask?"

Raven sighed.

"_Fine_. I'll go get an orange sweater…"

Suddenly Slade showed up.

"I want to make a complaint," he said. "Twenty-four chapters of this laughable so-called fanfiction, and I am in two – count them – _TWO_ chapters!!!111!"

"This makes three," Raven pointed out.

"Oh." Slade paused for a moment.

"The butler!" Starfire shrieked, hitting Slade over the head with a lamp.

"Wow," Cyborg noted, looking at the accumulating pile of bodies on the ground as Slade joined Robin and Beast Boy. "Boy, this chapter sucks."

"What were you expecting from a parody of parodies?" Raven said flatly. "I recall saying this right at the start, when Beast Boy was slightly less dead and you were… no, I guess it's fair to say that you were _never_ slightly less perverted, Cyborg."

"Friends," Starfire said, "how is it that even while _dead_, Slade is managing to grope Robin?"

"Love knows no boundaries," Cyborg observed, sounding scholarly.

They all rode off into the sunset with some accompanying-and-very-appropriate violin music.

Suddenly, without warning, _Teen Titans_ was cancelled.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Or something.

* * *

"If reading each of these chapters took you an hour (which it really _shouldn't_ have done, incidentally)," said RobinRocks, showing up for one last smug self-inserted little cameo, "then you just wasted a full twenty-four hours of your life!!!!111!" 

**THE END**


End file.
